Dreams Not From My Father.

If my child ever says his dream is to be a businessman I'm going to punch him, his mother, and his father directly in the dicks. When I caddied I often worked with kids 10 years younger than me. Sometimes I would ask them, "What do you want to be when you're an adult? What are your dreams?" And the most popular answer was, "Uh, I don't know, some sort of businessman...why are you still caddying at the age of 25?" Prickheads.

I dreamed of being Michael Jordan. I shaved my head. I stuck my tongue out. I worked on my jumpshot. I worked on my vertical. I became a mysognist (because if you're going to commit to something you have to be All In). And then I realized I was kidding myself. A chubby gookish looking dickhead kid couldn't be Michael Jordan. I was predisposed to breakdancing, giggling, maybe being a lady-boy, rooting for Manny Pacquiao, and hanging out exclusively with people with pug noses and bad haircuts. (Thankfully, only one of those things became a reality.) So then I dreamed of being an architect, but was talked out of it by an old rich country club lady. "Architects don't make any money." Really? Neither do substiute teachers for children with autism, caterers, census takers, comedy club workers, sales associates at Macy's or Uniqlo, etc. Then I wanted to be an artist but soon read about this guy. No thanks. And after all this, now, I dream to be David Beckham's penis.

So in order for my dream to become a reality a huge number of things would have to fall my way, including David Beckham's actual penis.

1. Beckham would, for some reason, need a new penis. So that means it would have to either be chopped off (that's so 90's), fall off (I don't think the saying grandmothers tell their grandsons, "If ya keep playin' with it, it's going to fall off!" is actually true. Believe me, I've played), or maybe sucked off (actually the most realisitc of the three, he's David fucking Beckham). And not only would it have to be removed from his body, it'd have to be kicked under a car and unusable. It's not like the girl who just sucked it off after receiving her gift from the Make-A-Wish foundation would be able to get it bronzed and hung over the fireplace. He'd surely ask for it back and have it sewed back on. (I just want to point out that if the girl actually had it bronzed and hung over the fireplace...and then died...that would be a crazy memento for the rest of the family to remember her by. Just saying.) He wouldn't just look around the crowd and pick the first balding 27 year-old he sees. "He'll do."
2. The gun from Honey I Shrunk the Kids would have to be involved. You couldn't sew a 5'6" human onto a ballsack and call it a penis (actually, I think I just defined the term "frat brother"). And more difficult, the actor who knew how to use the Honey I Shrunk The Kids gun would have to be found and convinced to take this role on. And when's the last time you saw that guy?
3. He would have to agree for me to let me keep the glasses. I want to see what/who I'm getting myself into. That's the whole point.

I have a ways to go.

Kids dreaming of being businessmen. Where have we gone wrong? Businessmen sit around and think of really boring (oftentimes evil) shit and sometimes ruin people's lives and spend long days at the office and end up hating their families and turn towards prositutes for advice. Out of all of the things in the world you could do, how is being a businessman your dream? Is it the money? Then isn't your actual dream to be rich? Shouldn't you be dreaming to win the lottery. I'm cutting it down even more. The only reason I'd want to have a lot of money is to be able to have sex with the women David Beckham surely has sex with. Why not cut out all those dates/bribes? Why not just attach myself to the source itself?

Dreams change as you get older. And for men, it almost always turns sexual. I've yet to meet a 45 year-old that is dreaming to change the world, unless changing the world involves getting those twins from that Hooters calendar into your bedroom for some creepshow goodness. It's why we're miserable as adults. It's not that we haven't achieved our dreams. It's that our dreams have changed into something pathetic and boring. And the real tragedy is that dreams are dying at a younger age. Dreaming to be a businessman isn't a dream. It's a travesty. So instead of telling your kids to dream big, start telling them that a dream can be anything. Look at me. I'm still dreaming.

Actually, if your dream is to be someone's small Asian penis, just forget it. Go back to school and take some business administration classes. Dreams are all in your head.

I just spent my entire Saturday evening making this. I do it for all of you.