Leaked Nudes. Leaked Dudes.

I scrolled through the pictures of the naked female celebrities. I'll admit it. I actually woke up this morning to a text message from a friend that brought me to a website with a few of the celebrities naked pictures on it. Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton were the only ones I knew. The rest, no clue. I glanced at them, closed the website and got on with my day. Didn't think anything of it. Then of course came the shock and awe on Facebook of people posting what Lena Dunham had to say and how women are constantly targeted by hackers trying to get their cum-soaked hands on nudes and naughty videos, and that's when I really started to wonder what was going on. And I have many problems with it.

How much time did all of this take? I've read different articles that said some celebrities claimed many of these photos were deleted off of their phones long ago, so it must have taken work to retrieve them. I recently accidentally deleted the hundreds of pictures I took on my trip to the south of France. I was furious at myself for hours. But when I got home, I downloaded software that retrieved all the pictures. Simple as that. But this hacking shit, there is no way it was that simple. These losers must have spent weeks (months? years?) retrieving these pictures from so many women. Pathetic. I mean seriously. But isn't this a good snapshot of our culture? People will spend an ungodly amount of time, and talent (computer hacking, not pervertdom) for what? To retrieve some pictures of asses and titties. I'm not even saying these virgins should be out solving the world's problems, solving the energy or clean water crisis. BUT surely there is a better way to use time and effort. It doesn't have to be Help The World related. Maybe some of that time could be spent learning another language or developing a personality, skills that might make it easier to meet a woman in real life. Sigh. Obviously I'm using stereotypes. I'm sure these dudes who hacked these pictures are unhappily married, raising little shithead kids that will grow up thinking, "Well fuck these celebrities, they have all the other advantages in life, I DESERVE TO SEE THEIR NIPPLES!"

I never understood the naked selfie. I'm an extremely lonely guy. I look at videos and pictures of random naked ladies online. I know it won't fill the overwhelming emptiness I have in my life. I know that. But I don't understand the naked selfie. I'll be the first to admit that I'm insecure about the size of Little Marty. So maybe that's why I've never had the compulsion to put my iPhone down my pants, fight through my pubic hair, and zoom in, all the way in, and take a picture of my enemy. Maybe if I was as beautiful as Jennifer Lawrence I'd get it. But I'm not, and I don't.

Sure, I understand, when you're in a relationship with someone, you're feeling good and good-looking, and want them to see you naked. So you take a picture, you send it, and you laugh about it later, or get turned on, or whatever. I get that. I've just never had the desire to do it. Let's say it's Tuesday afternoon and I (Marty) am dating a beautiful girl (obviously a hypothetical), and I'm out grocery/underwear shopping at Target. All of a sudden my phone buzzes and I see a picture of my [obviously hypothetical] beautiful girlfriend posing naked in our bedroom. How would I react? If I'm being completely honest, I would probably laugh, both at the idea she probably did so because she knew I'd think it was funny, but also that she physically took the time to stand in front of a mirror, make some ridiculous face, and snap a nude selfie. There is almost no way I envision myself sprinting to find a Target sales associate, frantically asking them where the nearest "little boy's room" is, then fighting my way through sale shoppers to the empty stall to jack off at a picture of my girlfriend. Seriously. I mean, if she sent me a picture like this, a more honest reaction would be, "Bitch, don't you got something better to do? How bored are you? Do you want me to stop by the library on the way home?!"

Wait a minute, I just realized that I assumed all of these women were sending these pictures to boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, or wives (if they're lesbians, which is perfectly fine of course...especially for the fantasy). What if Kate Upton is sending pictures like this to random numbers? What if she hired a nerd to find numbers of lonely losers like me and is sending pictures to them, hoping they drop dead of heart attacks? If that's the case, well then shit, that's genius. Wipe out the lonelies of the earth, the only way they deserve it.

In all seriousness, I don't know how to feel about looking at the pictures of these women. I originally did it out of curiosity. I do think this is a breach of these ladies' privacy. It's despicable. In no way, should anyone be allowed to rummage through any person's, celebrity or not, private life. What they do in their own time, in their own homes (or not, it doesn't matter), is none of our business. And I was being honest when I said I didn't dwell on the pictures. Maybe I've become numb to naked pictures because of all the porn I've already been exposed to. I just don't care. Great, I saw Jennifer Lawrence naked today. But I'm a 5'6" balding "bachelor" with an unbelievable imagination, I already saw her naked in Winter's Bone. She had clothes on in that movie? Really? And in Hunger Games? And in Hunger Games 2? And Hunger Games 3? Is that one even out yet? Ah, it doesn't matter.

I'll forget every nipple as soon as I'm done writing this. And this is what pisses me off the most. And I'm being completely serious. I can't stress that enough. Why do these hackers prey on these women? Every single day, a new woman that I don't give a shit about has pictures leaked on the internet against their wishes. It's wrong, it's stupid, and it's a waste of time. Can't we just run out of women? Can't we just run out of titties? Can't we just run out of coochie pubes? In a perfect world we would respect each other's privacy. This isn't a perfect world. And that's why I don't understand why there are never naked pictures of MEN! And I'm not talking about the Leonardo DiCaprios or David Beckhams or any other dudes that don't know what a dry penis feels like. Why aren't there pictures of Louis CK, bending over, red asshole hair steaming up the camera lense? Or Larry David, with his long balls, circumcised pecker, and insecure Jewish face? When are we getting the picture of Jonah Hill moving his speedo to the side to reveal a soft-as-marshmallow dong? WHEN?! I would be talking about this for weeks, months, years. Comparing notes. Have better, more interesting conversations with my friends. "Louie is really packing some thunder, does that make his insecure comedy less relevant?" "You think Larry David gave it a few pumps before he took that picture? Who was he sending it to? Why? I thought people his age barely knew how to use technology. Isn't it great? Linking one senior citizen to another, one semi-limp dick at a time!" The possibilities...

But nope, no one is interested. Here come the titties, and the pussies, sigh, I already forgot what any of these women looked like naked. Now all I want to think about is Zach Galifianakis' dick. And the hair around his asshole.

- Marty