[HBO] and Chill

A few weeks ago my least favorite cousin, Alexis, sent me a Facebook message that read: "No clue why I thought of you, but I did. The rest is up to you." And sent this link for the application process for an HBO writing fellowship for writers from "diverse" backgrounds. At the time, I thought it'd be funny if I just focused on my being short background for most of the piece and then revealed that I'm many ethnicities at the very end. Thinking about it now, it's really depressing that they have to make special exclusive programs for ALL non-white people and ALL women. Isn't that like 93% of people in this country nowadays? We should all get together and enslave the other 7%. Who would miss them and their dance moves? They've had their fun.

How has your background influenced the stories you want to tell?

With all the complaints I have of being a 5’6” male, I must admit it has had at least one advantage. You see, being below-average in height forces the viewer (of me) to feel a sense of pity. It’s just a natural instinct. If you found a kid reaching for a lollipop on a counter that is a bit too high, you’d walk over and help. We’re caring animals. Pity is why I haven't gotten my ass kicked by anyone of average or above-average height, even though I talk an overwhelming amount of shit, which is a result of my insecurity of being short. I know, it’s circular. Last week when I was trying to describe this self-hatred, insecurity, and pity complex to a woman, she replied, “But I have a friend that is your height and he’s no stranger to women.” Yeah exactly, a “friend.” And him being “no stranger” to women hardly seems like Leonardo DiCaprio would be asking to cheat off his test. And come on, I’d rather be a stranger, no woman wants their bicycle seat sniffed by a close friend.

My 5’6” background has definitely influenced the way I write. The main influence, is that I write. I refuse to believe Philip Roth, David Foster Wallace, Vladimir Nabokov, and any other great writers whose books I’ve read half of, are tall people. Because if they were, why would they feel the need to write? Writing is something you do when you’re at home, alone, and you’re at home, alone because you got skipped over when they were picking basketball teams or potential husbands. A few more inches and I’d probably be out sharing ice cream.

If I think about it for too long, which I do because I definitely have the time, I start to wonder why we write at all. If we’re only writing for “[HBO] and chill” that we, ourselves, are obviously not partaking in, why provide such joy for people that just get on with their days without ever picking up a pen or hitting a key? No admittance to a movie theater if you're over 5'9". Go ride a roller coaster, jerks.

Everything I’ve said ignores women because let’s face it, the biggest disadvantage of being a short woman, is being a woman. I wanted to reference Marilynne Robinson above because I’ve actually read a book of hers in its entirety but it would have messed up my “potential husbands” example that I’m still patting myself on the back for. Let me pat, I don’t have much in this life. 5’10” is the average height for a white American male. I couldn’t find an average for all shades of American male. And that’s another thing that has influenced my writing: I’m Filipino, Mexican, and Italian. And short. I hope that's obvious by now.

After I wrote this I was extremely proud of myself. I wrote it in 25 minutes the night before it was due and thought it was just the right amount of weird to catch someone's eye at HBO. Then I went out, got too drunk, and missed the deadline.

By a year.

My stupid ass didn't realize the due date was March 4, 2015. The year of the Wood Goat. But I still thanked my cousin for bringing it to my attention because it forced me to sit down and write something. THEN I realized my logic behind the whole thing didn't make any sense. If the only reason people write is because they're short, and since they're short they're trying to impress someone enough to "chill" with them and their private parts, then how is that an example of diversity? Wouldn't all the writers at HBO reading this be short [white] guys agreeing with almost everything I said? And if that's the case, why would HBO want to bring in people like me?

Not only that, rereading it now makes me notice that I spiraled down a series of bad ideas because of horrible logic. I'm actually getting confused (and beyond frustrated) right now trying to make sense of all of it. I brought women up at the end because I thought, "Well if it's only short guys that write, then why are there women writers?" Another question I didn't answer. Really, I just wanted to say I read a Marilynne Robinson book (she really is the best) and to point out my mediocre "potential husbands" joke (which I am doing again right here) to make sure people noticed and understood it (which I am doing again right here).

This isn't anything new to me. I've started and quit on many, many more essays than I've finished because of an incomplete thought or poor logic. I enjoy being humbled by my stupidity. And I obviously like admitting it.

At the end of the day, and mostly because I'm getting tired and starting to wonder if my explanation of my mistake is illogical in itself, I still wish I would have been able to send this in. I picture a little white guy reading it and thinking, "Well, it can always be worse."

P.S. Sigh.