My last post about Kim Jong-il. (Maybe.)

Kim Jong-il probably thinking, "Not that big."

Over the past few years I've talked about how much I love Kim Jong-il. His love of Michael Jordan, his status of being the biggest buyer of Hennessy (what you rappers know bout that?), his bed made out of women (again, what you rappers know bout that?), his world record golf score (38 under par!), the fact that he invented the hamburger, and of course, his steeeeeeez! All these things made me love him. I aspired to be as cool as him. I mean he built a city just to be looked at. Gangster? Yessir!

But even though Kim Jong-il had the bitches (not the internet, they don't have the internet in North Korea) going nuts, and even though I'm still on the hunt for those sunglasses, I have to admit: He was a total fucking sonofabitch asshole. 

The saddest thing about Kim Jong-il's funeral procession was that people showed up. Some were probably forced to show up and some are probably so brainwashed they chose to show up either to upkeep appearances or because they actually think he's better than Tiger Woods (he's still good) at golf. Either way it's really devastating. 

I've often heard that you should never celebrate Death. I think that's bullshit. As I'm sure Wesley Snipes probably said in some movie, "Never say never." North Korea is a total fucking mess. When I think about it (and I often do) I really can't believe a place like it exists. How can we let a country exist that is filled with nothing but torture, agony, and delusions (sounds like my "About Me" on Facebook)? People are brainwashed and left for dead. I've read stories of labor camps where people are so desperate they have to eat the corn kernels out of logs of shit. Human logs of shit. I don't believe everything I read but when it comes to North Korea, I almost never doubt it. Why should we not celebrate Kim Jong-il's death? He was the cause of an undeniable amount of pain and suffering that will surely last a very long time. Him and his daddy killed Happiness in North Korea. That might be gangster, but it sure as hell ain't cool.

P.S. I wonder what Kim Jong-il wants in heaven (I don't believe in heaven). When you've had a bed made out of women in your actual life, I can imagine it's kind of hard to upgrade...

Maybe he asked for two beds made out of women. Or like a couch made out of women. Or like a recliner made out of women. Or like a toilet made out of women. Nevermind.

Steve Jobs.

I just got done reading Steve Jobs' biography. I swear if the shortest, fattest guy I've ever seen wasn't standing in front of me cheering me up by existing, I would have shed some tears.

I always thought Steve Jobs was a cool and interesting guy but I didn't really know much about him. I wasn't one to sit around and watch his new product launches, I never really read anything about him, and I was always taken aback by the sound of his voice. The passion, the drive, the intelligence, the excitement, the fascination, the artistry should not be ignored. He changed the world.

One thing that Walter Isaacson hammers into the reader's brain is that Steve Jobs made no compromises. He had a vision and tried everything in his power to make that vision a reality. No matter what. At times he would berate people and come off as an asshole. And I'm sure there are a million things about him that would have pissed me off if I was fortunate enough to meet him. I kept asking myself, did his genius give him the right to be an asshole? No. Probably not. But should he have apologized for it? No. Definitely not.

Almost everything that I've read about Steve Jobs the past few months has been more than insightful, more than inspiring, and more than meaningful. It's been life changing. That may sound dramatic. Good.

I'm not claiming to know anything about computers or technology just because I read some book and know how to use an iPod and a laptop. Or if the open hardware/software model that Windows follows is better and more useful than the closed Apple model. But I do know that the things Jobs created are fucking awesome. Nothing less.

When I first started writing this blog I was obsessed with the idea of being as perfect as possible. Is that childish? Maybe. So many people ask, "Well what the fuck does that mean?" I know what it means for me but I have no idea what it means for you. That's the way it should be. Even though many people say Steve Jobs was an asshole and a tyrant, I can't help but smile, knowing that he made no excuses for who he was. He was human. An awesome one. As perfect as it gets.

Happy Holidays!

I don't really ever ask for anything for the holidays. This year, I will. Appreciate the time you spend with your friends and family. I unwisely decided to skip the holidays this year (and last) to work and sit around by myself. No matter how much I enjoy being with my own thoughts, I've slowly come to realize that you should always appreciate the time you spend with the ones you love. Like everything in this life, it won't last forever.

I really hope this shit ain't too spicy. I never buy the nice toilet paper.

My dad (yes, my dad) decided to knit me a really colorful scarf. I love it. My brother finally couldn't take any more of my complaints about the food in NYC and sent me some Chicago giardiniera. Now I just need some Vienna hot dogs, Italian beefs, and badass pizza to put it on. (The United States Postal Service works just fine, wink wink.)

I wish all of you a Happy Holiday. Hopefully this upcoming year I'll get back to blogging with the vigor I had when 2011 started. Stay tuned and stay swell.

- Marty

Occupy Yosemite National Park.

It has been reported that Occupy Yosemite National Park is in full-effect. In a solidarity stand against Corporate America,  the protestors have decided to do even less until the economy is fixed before they go back to doing nothing. When asked what "doing less" means when you're already doing nothing, one protestor said, "We're spending even less of our own money. We're washing our hair less. We just give less of a fuck. I hate my DAD!" Their claims don't seem to make much sense. The apparent 12 year-old dreadlocks made it obvious that they never planned on washing their hair anyways, and their "hair" sure wasn't any "less" disgusting.

Where's a forest fire when you need one?

Not that there's anything wrong with it...

People have called me a Hater all of my life. In a way I guess they're right. I do hate a lot of things. Lazy people. Country Club members. Everything Australian. Onions in my potato salad. When a girl looks real good up front but when she walks by and you turn around to look at the bumper and it doesn't exist. Boston. The list goes on. Look around you. What is there to like? And why don't you hate more things? Maybe if we stopped applauding mediocrity and "occupying" and started putting passion and effort into things and started "slapping-the-shit-out-of" we'd have more things to be proud of. But right now. Here. I always have the Hate Meter turned on high.

So this new UNHATE program has caught my attention. I guess it's kind of hard to not notice a picture of Kim Jong-Il kissing some Chinese girl. What the actual point is, I'm not sure. I guess they're trying to get all of these Presidents (Gods in the case of Kim Jong-Il) to kiss and "UNHATE" each other. Then we'd all live in one big happy world where plums would be sugary sweet, kids would get the education they deserve, and every girl would have a nice butt. Ain't happening.

Kim Jong-Il don't play that. He's got a bed made out of women. No. Seriously. He has a bed made out of women. Living ones. With nice butts. (Don't take my word on the butts part.)

Of course I think Peace is a great thing. But I'll let you in on a little bit of a secret: Peace isn't Fun. Seriously. Think about all of the hillbillies on Jerry Springer. What if they all of a sudden stopped having sex with their uncles, or started paying child support, or stopped sucking their neighbors' bootyholes? What if they just sat on stage and complimented each other? Who the hell would watch that?

Not convinced? I guess I wouldn't be either. Is Jerry Springer even on anymore?

Think about this. Think about any great standup comedian you've seen. Are they ever talking about how great things are? I mean the great standup comedians. Not the guy with the puppets or that one white guy named Dane Cook. What if Chappelle were up on stage saying, "You know what. I UNHATE white people! I forgive them for talking down to me or trying to make money off of my social critique. And I forgive them for placing more money in their own school systems and not investing in every child's education. And I think it's innocent when they assume I'm going to order the chicken." I'm sure that would be a hit.

So this whole UNHATE thing might be a good marketing idea but it won't last. At least I hope it doesn't. If it did I'd never be able to converse again. My whole "thing" is based around the fact that I'm never satisfied and that I don't like anything. Not even myself. So if I all of a sudden had to compliment everything and everyone, I'd never open my mouth. No one would laugh and I wouldn't blame them. I think what's even scarier than complimenting others is the idea of me UNHATING myself. Look at me! How can you possibly UNHATE that?

Peace isn't Fun and it sure as hell isn't Funny. Plus. Barack Obama doesn't like Asian girls. He ain't no yellow-sexual.

Barack ain't kissing yellows. And he sure as hell ain't taking Kim Jong-Il's sloppy seconds.

Come and sit on Coach Pa's lap!

I have no patience for adults that abuse kids. Shoot them all. I ain't no fan of kiddy fiddlin'! So when I came across the news of Penn State's administration and football program's cover up, I almost had to go to the safe and pull out the AR-15 and start blasting on fools. (I don't really have an AR-15, I just know it's a gun because a lot of my favorite rappers say they have them. I doubt they actually do. I don't even think I could lift up an AR-15. And I also don't have a safe. Mostly because I don't have any money. What would I need one for? Unless safes are good at keeping Doritos fresh and making jerked-off-into-Kleenexes disappear, I don't need 'em.)

I bet this guy smells bad.

What's really depressing to me isn't that some fuckface named Sandusky was boppin' young boys in the backside, or the fact that Coach Paterno and his football staff made no attempt to bring these allegations to the forefront, or the fact that the university officials did nothing to bring this disgusting shit to a stop, it's the fact that people completely overlooked all of these things because their beloved senior citizen football coach eventually got canned. (And all of that other shit I mentioned is super depressing.)

Most of these idiots have gone to Penn State for 1 or 2 years. Why are you so pissed off that a guy that covered up child sexual abuse got fired? Are they all jealous that Coach Paterno and his coaching team of perverts didn't take showers with them?

Like always, the disgusting details and the things that should be the main concern get pushed aside while we watch fucking idiots complain about a football coach. Why are people more passionate about football tradition than they are about child rape? What the hell kind of values do people have these days?

I wonder if Joe Paterno is sitting in his huge house thinking, "I spent close to 50 years coaching players into being fine athletes and team players. 50 years building my legacy and it's all come crashing down because that fucking idiot likes to hold little boy penises in his mouth."

I bet he is. 

I bet he is more concerned with his legacy than he is with the truth. If he was too worried about his legacy and his image to report his pervert assistant coach's activities to law enforcement before, then he is probably still too desperate and pathetic to admit to himself that all along he was unbelievably wrong. Instead of trying to be the oldest sack of shit to coach a winning football team, he should have been pulling out the AR-15 and blasting on perverts. Instead he watched a disgusting pervert get away with it...from the sidelines.

He can now watch his legacy go down the drain with Sandusky's semen and a number of little boys' innocence. He might not be on the sidelines anymore but I'd say he's got the best seat in the house.

Podcast. Daddy Issues.

I'm afraid I've spread myself too thin the past few weeks/months. I feel guilty about it because even though I'm super busy doing things I enjoy, this blog is very important to me and it hasn't gotten the attention it deserves. This is me crying.

One of my fans really misses me.

My latest endeavor is a podcast I've created alongside my good friend Dan Johnson called "Daddy Issues." Originally we were going to work on writing shorts together (that may happen in the future) but figured it would take forever to get them made into videos that could be shared with a wide audience. We thought a podcast would be a great way for us to share our ideas and critiques on various things. That's a lie. We just really wanted to set up Skype dates where we could complain and giggle for an hour a week. So far so good. Dan and I used to live together in Urbana and would talk for hours on end about anything and everything. I probably took those hours for granted but I do remember thinking, "I wish more people could hear these ridiculous conversations." Now all of you can.

We're not really sure what direction this podcast is going to go in. We named it "Daddy Issues" because we believe most problems or dilemmas (or movies) come back to some sort of daddy issue. Seriously. Think about the last movie you saw, the last book you read, the last song you listened to. I bet someone in it hates their dad.

Because of all the yelling that all the dads do around the world, whether it's to get out of bed earlier, mow the lawn, or to get a real job (NEVER AL!), we've decided to handle it the best we know how: to complain. And complain we will.

Subscribe on iTunes.

Visit us on Tumblr.

One of my fans also decided to draw an inappropriate picture of one pug licking another pug's asshole. (Yes. They are pugs. They're just in their Halloween costumes. Duh!)