Workin' out while workin' it.

Close your eyes. Things are about to get a little bit disgusting. The other night I went out with a few friends to a place called SubMercer which is in the Mercer Hotel in SoHo. Let me pick up all those names I just dropped. I had a good time but the place isn't really my style. I don't feel very important when having to take an elevator and walk through a wine vault to get into some not-so-secret "lounge." I'll save that for all the cool people. The reason I'll remember SubMercer is because it will be the place where I came up with my MillIon Dollar idea.

The night was pretty laid back. I was feeling good and doing a good job avoiding people when my friend decided she wanted to dance. Now I know I talk a mean game about big butts and how much I fancy them. But let me tell you, I'm never prepared for them. I'm a small guy and I'm not very strong. Most people would call me a "pussy" and that's probably fair. I think if you weigh less than 140 lbs and you are male, you get placed into that category by default. So when she wanted to dance I thought we would leave enough room for the Holy Spirit in between us just so both of us would stay un-pregnant. (You know these Latinas are mad fertile.) So I was standing against the wall when she struck. At first it just started off as dancing but then the Jenny-From-The-Block came out of her and she started puttin' it on me. I was trapped. I couldn't move. Even though I had trouble breathing I let her do her thing and after it was all said and done I needed to take a seat because of how lightheaded I was. Stop being a pervert, it's not because of that. It's because when she was workin' it she really was suffocating me. It felt like a football player was giving me a bear hug. If you're having trouble picturing what it looked like. Here it is.

Sorry. I know this looks extremely perverted but we had all of our clothes on. And yes my waist is that thin. And yes she was giving a thumbs up! Well. Maybe.

I felt like the jaws of life was wrapped around me. (Why haven't Rappers called it the Jaws Of Life yet?) After limping home (with a huge smile on my face) I laid in my bed and passed out immediately. I was exhausted. After 8 full hours of sleep I woke up and tried to move. I couldn't. My abs were unbelievably sore and I had to roll instead of rise out of bed. The whole day I had trouble laughing and sitting up straight. This is when I realized that Brown Girls With Big Butts could be the latest Ab Workout.

These things are so 90's! Get a 6-pack instantly with a Brown Girl With A Big Butt! All you have to do is stand there and put on some rap music! If you want to bring your workout to a higher level just put on rap music that is more gangster! You'll feel the burn instantly!

Greg Oden, you idiot! This girl ain't brown enough to give you the ab workout you're looking for! Step yo game up!

So you see. I'm currently in the market to sell off Brown Girls With Big Butts. Maybe I'll have an infomercial where there will be a few before and after shots and some big butt'd women puttin' it on some dudes. Actually I don't need an infomercial. I'll just play every rap video ever. You get the idea.

Either this guy is really eager to get his workout in or he's just a pervert. Or maybe both.