The X-Factor.

Today I was looking into good places to buy Broadway tickets for cheap. Or at least less expensive, nothing is cheap in this city. After reading many informational websites and reviews, I noticed that a lot of people use the shorthand "Tix" when talking about "Tickets." When the hell did people just decide to throw an "x" wherever they felt like and then say, "Yea that means "Christmas." Or, "That there 'x' means a kiss." By the way I totally don't understand how the "x" in "xoxo" is the kiss. Is it the kiss? It's gotta be the hug. If each person was a slash it would be two people bent over giving one of those awkward hugs where you stick your ass out so your pee-pee doesn't rub up on the other people's shit. And the "o" looks like puckered lips ready to get in there. Anyways back to the topic at hand. I think the "x" really just promotes laziness and that's why I'm going to campaign and lobby against "x." I'm really not sure how I'm going to go about doing this yet but would life really be different? It might even make it easier because when people type in a website on my computer, if it starts with an "x," it is surely going to show what I've been spending my weekday nights and weekend days doing.

The "x" doesn't have a universal meaning. In "tix" the "x" is the "-ckets." So does "fax" really mean "fackets?" Well that sounds terrible! Or is it "Fa-Christ?" I'm pretty sure Jesus would be pretty upset if he knew his surname was shortened to "x." He'd probably take back all of those wonderful things he did. "X-rated" = "Christ-rated." Was Mr. Jesus into that sort of stuff? I sure hope not!

In conclusion, there is only one "x" that is really important. Let me show you.

It looks like I'm not the only one that has all sorts of free time.

Breaking News!

What did I say a few days ago about The Onion going out of business because of the "real" news? And what sort of gear did I dress Gucci Mane and Rick Ross in? This is unbelievable: Rapper Finds Order in Orthodox Judaism in Israel

Well, at least we know Israelis have a shit load of street cred. I might be able to predict the future. Word to yo mutha-land.


Image from NYTimes

Ideal Job.

These past few weeks I've been slaving away applying for jobs. Craigslist has got me going nuts. (Like Paul Wall has the internetz. Actually, you think he's still got that going on? My suspicion is that it's probably died down and is relatively calm now.) My favorite job posts are the ones that are really obvious ploys to get girls to come over and hang out. I'm not sure they work but I have to respect these pathetic dudes for trying. It's like asking only "fun girls" to reply to an ad for a vacant room in your apartment, then asking for their measurements.

Recently, I've been wondering what the ideal job would be. I've never really figured it out until today. Listen to this song:

I used to think I wanted to be the Ying Yang Twin's long lost Triplet. And maybe at one time in my adolescence I did, but this is the future for me. I've been practicing screaming crazy shit like, "WACKA" and making machine gun noises, and asking general questions like, "WHAT?!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!?! I SAID WHAT?!?!?!?!"

Most kids want to be astronauts, or neurosurgeons, or famous athletes, I just want to yell random crazy shit. Is that too much to ask for? I really hope Mr. Wacka Flocka Flame is familiar with craigslist because I'll be forever checking.

Kingz With Crownz.

Since fashion is so important in this city it's hard not to pay attention to the way everyone is dressed. The all black errr-thang gets old quick, mostly because the only way people rock it here is with shit-house looks on their faces as if they are changing lives with their presence. I went to an open-call a few weeks ago to see what it would be like. I was one of the only people (out of probably 50) that wasn't wearing predominantly black. Two more reasons I hate it: 1) Because most of these geeks who think they're cool can't pull it off. 2) Because I hate being reminded of funerals especially by people who are deathly skinny. Get those damn cloves/cigarettes out of my face and eat a burger you punk bitches.

I've never witnessed so many black outfits in my life. But I've also never witnessed so many Hasids either. And they are the Kings and Queens of all black errr-thang. I don't place them in the same group as the previously mentioned schmucks (that's not to say I don't place them into another group) because of one thing: Shtreimels. When I first saw one I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was almost as shocking as that one time I saw that black dude that had no rhythm. Almost. I am/was amazed.

I did more research into shtreimels than I did in all of my classes in college combined. After finding dozens of postings of Hasidic Jew Halloween costumes (offensive!) I finally found a blog that said these hats can cost up to $5000. BALLA!!! Now I don't know why they settled on this design way back in the day. I can't imagine somebody said, "Well if we made it look like a furry tire we could flip it over and use it as a doggy or kitty bed, or we could use it as a nice comfortable seat on picnics!" Either way, I've noticed that all kinds of ladies have started wearing them as an accessory. But if these things cost G's shouldn't G'z be rocking them? I think I know of a few Kings that need crowns.

This that New Gucci.

With a little touching up, this could be his next album cover.

And guess who needs one too...

RICK RAWSE THE BAWSE!

I have way too much time on my hands.

Incredible Headlines.

I really think The Onion might go out of business if this is what they're up against.

Cops: Mom endangered baby while celebrating dropped DCFS case

M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong's Next Movie (below)

Click on this picture and direct your attention to #2 in the lower right hand corner. How the hell is that headline not #1? I also think that in some ways, it might be the title of my autobiography.

They Run New York.

I might have been the first idiot at the NYC Marathon. Not because I'm a punctual guy but because I'm the only fool that thought it started at 7:30AM. The real action started a few hours later and I got to witness it. Originally my only intention was to see how fast the elite men and women were. They flew. It was absolutely incredible. But the thing that impressed me the most was how many people came out to cheer on ALL of the marathon runners/wheelchair racers/weirdos that wore costumes. There were all sorts of people partaking in the festivities, bands at every corner, and an overwhelming amount of screaming support. At times it was a lot to take in. but it was all very worth it. "I'm definitely doing this next year," was the statement of the day. Although I'm not signing up just yet, it was all very inspiring and fun. It was great to see people support each other even if it was just for a few hours. They are undoubtedly back to hating.

The one thing that I will never forget...the really flamboyant gay guy trying to cross the street when the marathon was in full motion. Sorry I couldn't pull out the camera fast enough. It was a sight to see.

I was standing right next to the "Mile 11" marker. They flew by at around the 53rd minute. I found myself wondering what I could accomplish in 53 minutes. You know what I thought of? Absolutely nothing.

These ladies were sculptures. Just skin over pure steel. Get it girls.

Some "regular" runners. I did a poor job capturing the band in the background that had all the runner's pumped. (And the 50 year-old cheerleaders that danced and yelled the entire time I stood across from them.)

This wasn't the band I liked the most. That award goes to 7 Billion Units. But these guys rocked their dicks off just as well.

A few days ago I said that watching the marathon was like watching evolution of modern humans in real time: The pure specimens at the front (comparable to gazelles and other fast-as-shit animals) and the fatso Americans in the back (Fast Food Nation). But I was wrong, we didn't even get the full spectrum of human body types. The big people in the back are probably closer to the "Superhuman" side of the spectrum because they were actually participating in a 26.2 mile race. While I was busy prematurely judging all of the participants I failed to realize that the people on the other side of the spectrum weren't anywhere near the marathon. They were "busy" sitting at home eating Doritos and watching football. Or they were "busy" talking about their high school football days. Or they were "busy" saying, "Why would anyone ever want to run that far and for that long?" They were "busy" being "busy." You know what? They were "busy"...and apparently so was I.

Just jump already.

Today I had to turn in a few job applications. A process which should have taken a half hour ended up taking almost two because some boners decided to film what's sure to be a great straight-to-DVD classic. I asked a few people what the movie was going to be hoping that it would star a few people that I respect. Instead they told me they had no idea but knew the name was "Man On A Ledge." When I got home and discovered the lead was Sam Worthington of "Avatar" I quickly became disgusted. I don't really know anything about the guy but if someone is going to make my day a hassle, their name better be James Franco or Derrick Rose and they better be giving me tips on how to pick up hardbodiez. I would have been far less bothered if there was actually a man on a ledge. That would surely be far more entertaining than what this movie is going to be. Somewhere there is a man on a ledge because his day got ruined by a "Man On A Ledge." Look at that. In a matter of 5 minutes I've already thought of a plot to a movie that would be way more interesting and a hell of a lot more entertaining. You can have that one Hollywood. The next one is going to cost you.

And why were so many of the gathered audience so Polish-looking? I was unaware of that stereotype. Ya learn something new every single day.


I can tell Sam is a fan of New Kids On The Block. And I can tell his buddy dreams of giving them reach-arounds. Is "reach-around" hyphenated? Or is it reach-a-round? Actually I like that better, it makes it sounds like a carnival ride. And maybe sometimes it is.