Potty Mouth.

This guy is lucky he's a prince because with a weak ass head of hair like that he would never have been able to mack a top notch breezy like Kate.

A while ago when the news was all over Michelle Obama's "inappropriate" behavior for putting her arm around the Queen of England, I almost had a heart attack. Not because of the shock of the queen's disgusting face and her unbelievable uselessness or for the fact that Michelle didn't seem to care about tradition, but because this was one of the top stories on AMERICAN news. Last I checked, we won the Revolutionary War and therefore got the honor of ridding ourselves of the pointless royal family. OK, I'm sure many Americans watched the whole Princess Di thing unfold but let's get real, most people thought it was a special edition of "Most Insanely Awesome Car Chases!" And it was awesome indeed. We've also rocked Europe in a couple World Wars (Back to Back World War Champs!) while the Royal Family did what..? Nothing.

Get it Michelle.

When living in Scotland I always thought it was entertaining how much the Scottish hated the royal family. They were right on. America's equivalent would be like West Virginia paying for all of the Governor of Virginia's vacations and mansions. (I use West Virginia because it's the most like Scotland (toothless hillbillies) and Virginia because it's a lot like England (rich and racist)). The Scottish were really bothered that most of their news coverage had to do with the Prince's breakup. Now that Prince Billy Bob and his lady are back together and decided to get married, we all have the pleasure of hearing about the "juicy" wedding details in the months to come.

Best hire Jenny from the block if they want things to go smoothly. Don't be surprised if Daddy Yankee is the wedding singer.

By the way the hell is "Miss" Middleton thinking?

"William and Miss Middleton split for several months in 2007, and there was speculation in the British tabloids (always denied) that the royal family was dismayed by the supposedly déclassé behavior of the Middletons. Miss Middleton’s mother, Carole, was said to have chewed gum and used unaristocratic words like “toilet” and “pardon” in front of the queen..." - NYTimes

First of all I thought "pardon" was a polite, respectable word. And "toilet?" Somebody string this nappy headed ho up by her dentures and chop her in half. Just to put it into perspective, 20,000 people die each DAY from malnutrition and somewhere in the world you can't use the word "toilet" in front of the queen who offers absolutely nothing to society. Say "Pardon me but can you point me in the direction of one of your 347 toilets in this palace, I really have to drop a deuce?" after tapping the queen on the shoulder and her head might explode.

For some reason the only thing I can think of is this. Scenario: The queen needs an upgrade for her bathroom and needs a plumber. This guy (pictured below) is called up and told that he can't use the word "toilet" when talking to the queen. What I would give to listen to that conversation!

Topsy Turvy.

The job interview process is something that I've always thought I was really good at but I have no track record to prove it. I have failed miserably at several job interviews and I could never figure out why. Sometimes I leave the office thinking, "Wow did I totally biff that?" Other times I think, "Add one more to the list." The list being, "The Main Man Marty Fan Club." Recently, with a few exceptions, I've felt like I've done really well. And it's all because I've topsy-turvied it on them M F'r's.

The X-Factor.

Today I was looking into good places to buy Broadway tickets for cheap. Or at least less expensive, nothing is cheap in this city. After reading many informational websites and reviews, I noticed that a lot of people use the shorthand "Tix" when talking about "Tickets." When the hell did people just decide to throw an "x" wherever they felt like and then say, "Yea that means "Christmas." Or, "That there 'x' means a kiss." By the way I totally don't understand how the "x" in "xoxo" is the kiss. Is it the kiss? It's gotta be the hug. If each person was a slash it would be two people bent over giving one of those awkward hugs where you stick your ass out so your pee-pee doesn't rub up on the other people's shit. And the "o" looks like puckered lips ready to get in there. Anyways back to the topic at hand. I think the "x" really just promotes laziness and that's why I'm going to campaign and lobby against "x." I'm really not sure how I'm going to go about doing this yet but would life really be different? It might even make it easier because when people type in a website on my computer, if it starts with an "x," it is surely going to show what I've been spending my weekday nights and weekend days doing.

The "x" doesn't have a universal meaning. In "tix" the "x" is the "-ckets." So does "fax" really mean "fackets?" Well that sounds terrible! Or is it "Fa-Christ?" I'm pretty sure Jesus would be pretty upset if he knew his surname was shortened to "x." He'd probably take back all of those wonderful things he did. "X-rated" = "Christ-rated." Was Mr. Jesus into that sort of stuff? I sure hope not!

In conclusion, there is only one "x" that is really important. Let me show you.

It looks like I'm not the only one that has all sorts of free time.

Breaking News!

What did I say a few days ago about The Onion going out of business because of the "real" news? And what sort of gear did I dress Gucci Mane and Rick Ross in? This is unbelievable: Rapper Finds Order in Orthodox Judaism in Israel

Well, at least we know Israelis have a shit load of street cred. I might be able to predict the future. Word to yo mutha-land.


Image from NYTimes

Ideal Job.

These past few weeks I've been slaving away applying for jobs. Craigslist has got me going nuts. (Like Paul Wall has the internetz. Actually, you think he's still got that going on? My suspicion is that it's probably died down and is relatively calm now.) My favorite job posts are the ones that are really obvious ploys to get girls to come over and hang out. I'm not sure they work but I have to respect these pathetic dudes for trying. It's like asking only "fun girls" to reply to an ad for a vacant room in your apartment, then asking for their measurements.

Recently, I've been wondering what the ideal job would be. I've never really figured it out until today. Listen to this song:

I used to think I wanted to be the Ying Yang Twin's long lost Triplet. And maybe at one time in my adolescence I did, but this is the future for me. I've been practicing screaming crazy shit like, "WACKA" and making machine gun noises, and asking general questions like, "WHAT?!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!?! I SAID WHAT?!?!?!?!"

Most kids want to be astronauts, or neurosurgeons, or famous athletes, I just want to yell random crazy shit. Is that too much to ask for? I really hope Mr. Wacka Flocka Flame is familiar with craigslist because I'll be forever checking.

Kingz With Crownz.

Since fashion is so important in this city it's hard not to pay attention to the way everyone is dressed. The all black errr-thang gets old quick, mostly because the only way people rock it here is with shit-house looks on their faces as if they are changing lives with their presence. I went to an open-call a few weeks ago to see what it would be like. I was one of the only people (out of probably 50) that wasn't wearing predominantly black. Two more reasons I hate it: 1) Because most of these geeks who think they're cool can't pull it off. 2) Because I hate being reminded of funerals especially by people who are deathly skinny. Get those damn cloves/cigarettes out of my face and eat a burger you punk bitches.

I've never witnessed so many black outfits in my life. But I've also never witnessed so many Hasids either. And they are the Kings and Queens of all black errr-thang. I don't place them in the same group as the previously mentioned schmucks (that's not to say I don't place them into another group) because of one thing: Shtreimels. When I first saw one I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was almost as shocking as that one time I saw that black dude that had no rhythm. Almost. I am/was amazed.

I did more research into shtreimels than I did in all of my classes in college combined. After finding dozens of postings of Hasidic Jew Halloween costumes (offensive!) I finally found a blog that said these hats can cost up to $5000. BALLA!!! Now I don't know why they settled on this design way back in the day. I can't imagine somebody said, "Well if we made it look like a furry tire we could flip it over and use it as a doggy or kitty bed, or we could use it as a nice comfortable seat on picnics!" Either way, I've noticed that all kinds of ladies have started wearing them as an accessory. But if these things cost G's shouldn't G'z be rocking them? I think I know of a few Kings that need crowns.

This that New Gucci.

With a little touching up, this could be his next album cover.

And guess who needs one too...

RICK RAWSE THE BAWSE!

I have way too much time on my hands.

Incredible Headlines.

I really think The Onion might go out of business if this is what they're up against.

Cops: Mom endangered baby while celebrating dropped DCFS case

M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong's Next Movie (below)

Click on this picture and direct your attention to #2 in the lower right hand corner. How the hell is that headline not #1? I also think that in some ways, it might be the title of my autobiography.