Vegetarian. Why?

I mu-fucked my face up. I've played prettier, let me tell ya.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday with people they like. I'm going to a "Vegetarian" Thanksgiving. We'll see how this goes. (Well of course I made sure Checkers and McDonalds are open tonight! You nuts?)

Valentino. Question Mark.

Fake tans have always confused me. I'm never really sure what the purpose is. What is the point of looking like you've been body painted as an Oompa Loompa in the middle of the winter in New York City or any other depressingly gray city? (I almost just spelled "gray" with an "e." Like some sort of self-loathing pretentious American. What is happening to me?! If that would have happened I think I would have shut up shop and deleted myself, from life.) I guess if it makes people feel better about themselves, no matter how superficial the motivations behind it, I should just let them be and carry on with my business. Not.

I don't really know too much about Valentino. I'm sure he is/was super talented and influential and many people adore him. I just don't understand what could possibly be going through his mind when he looks in the mirror. 1) Perfect hair. Check. (Kind of.) 2) Perfect teeth. Check. 3) Perfect Boy Toy. Check. (I agree.) 4) That Killa Illa Scrilla. Check. ("Phat money.") 5) Perfect suit. Check. 6) And now look at that skin. Orange? Yessir. Check.

Delusional? Check. This newer race of people who are more directly related to Chia Pets than humans will always baffle me. Will there one day be KKK members burning crosses in front of Orange People's homes? Will there be awesome stereotypes about them? Like, "Hey look at that Orange motherfucker, I bet he's ignorant as hell because his only interests are Pop music and 'having a good time.' " Actually what am I thinking, that's already the stereotype.

When I saw Valentino the other day he glanced over at me. My plan, when seeing famous people, is to do something I normally wouldn't do. I was originally going to yell, "Keep keepin' shit gangster Mr. Valentino!" followed by a thumbs up. Instead, I just gave him the thumbs up. His baffled expression was indeed inspirational. He looked at me as if I just caught the 150th Pokey Man. That might not be a good analogy. How about this? Picture an indigenous tribe watching a video of that Justin Bieber thing singing songs. Better yet, imagine me seeing that Justin Bieber thing for the first time. Could you imagine the amount of confusion?

So my brief encounter with Valentino proves that he is indeed influential. We should all aspire to be so rich that we forget (or probably never learned) what a "thumbs up" is. Thumbs up Valentino, you are truly an inspiration.

"Why did that peasant show me his upward pointing thumb? What does it mean? What does all of this mean?" - Valentino. Who am i kidding? He probably couldn't see through his tan.

Imagine the confusion if I would have actually said, "Keep keepin' shit gangster." Does he know what a High-5 is?

Looking forward to this. Big time.

I love all of these people. Seriously if I had to pick between Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman, and James Franco. And I could only choose 1. I'd pick Danny McBride. Without. A. Doubt.

Nov. 22nd.

"You took yo pussy game up a whole nother level." - Chris Rock. Two thumbs way up.

So sick with it.

What Dancing Can Lead To.

Overpopulation:

What a mess. These kids obviously didn't get the birds and the bees talk. Gotta love that Chicago Juke though.

A Pacific Island covered with She-Males:

I've heard that there are boy-girls all over the place back home in the islands. That's why I have no desire to visit, I have enough confusion in my life. (That's me in the little orange shorts, I still wear them when I hit the club.)

Don't Ask, Don't Tell:

I must admit this guy can really cut a rug.

An afternoon of pure joy!

Don't act like you didn't know.

An Idiot Abroad.

If you're as big of a fan of Karl Pilkington (which might not be possible unless you're Ricky Gervais) as I am, then you've already seen it. An Idiot Abroad is amazing. It is the Holy Grail for those obsessed with the minutiae of life and all of the strange things people find important. If you don't want to see a religious figure twist his penis around a stick, or watch Karl question how someone can get fat from eating bee larvae, then this isn't the show for you. Karl has an uncanny ability to put really strange things into a crystal clear perspective, all while bitching and moaning like a champion. Hack the internet and download it. Incredible.

At around 2:00 minutes, I really started to lose it.

No Idea.

There should be no surprise of my obsession with homeless people. And I'm not talking about those "homeless" people who are usually young and dirty (and white) and for some reason have dogs, and always have a backpack as if they're traveling further than a block down and aren't really homeless because they are poor and crazy but because they have a hard time dealing with their daddy issues and think that leaving their parents' townhouses in San Francisco is a real "Fuck You" to the "establishment" and corporate America. WHY DO YOU HAVE DOGS?

This picture took about two seconds to find.

Look at the state of that dog.

While most people do everything in their power to avoid the actual crazy homeless people, I often find myself completely entranced by them. Most people are disgusted and afraid but I think my childlike curiosity always distracts me with so many questions that I don't have time to judge. I spend countless hours imagining the storylines of these people's lives. How did they get to this point?

Here is my latest tale/mystery. Yesterday I was coming home from work and there was a homeless guy sitting on a bench in one of the subway stations. I noticed him as soon as I walked in and when I was about twenty feet away he got up and began to walk towards me. I patted down my pockets to see if I had anything to give. Nothing. As he walked past me I got a better look at him and although it was apparent that he had missed a baker's dozen showers, he was doing alright (as far as homeless people standards go). He had on a warm-looking jacket, his beard seemed to be trimmed within the last 2 years, his shoes didn't have any holes in them, and his jeans were still sort of blue (that's a Crayola Color that needs to be released, "Hobo's Blue" or better yet "Hobo Blues"). He didn't ask me or anyone around me for anything. He just carried on with his day. When I swiped my card and made the U-turn to go down the stairs to the platform I got a last-second glimpse of him. His back was now towards me and he was standing in front of the oversized subway map. I'm surprised I noticed any of these details because the only thing my eyes were focused on was the back of his jeans. Or actually the lack of the back of his jeans. I stopped on the stairs and stared. I couldn't believe it. I had so many questions!

You lettin' your ass breathe?

My immediate thought was, "Well how did they get to that point?" Was it a gradual thing? Did he just sit down so much that eventually his ass began to wear away the denim threads until there was none left? Did he cut it out so he wouldn't have to pull them down to go to the bathroom? Since the backs of the legs were still intact, I began to believe that it was a conscious decision. If he cut it, how did he do it? Did he leave them on while he cut? That seems dangerous, he could have cut his asshole off. Or was he standing around completely naked at one point holding his pants in one hand and scissors (or homemade shank) with the other? Is that going to be a new trend, capes and bare assholes? Does it make farting easier? A homeless fart, jesus I couldn't even begin to imagine what that would smell/taste like. How did he escape harassment from the police? Was he just a really big fan of Prince?

There is so much "awesome" going on in this picture.

These are just a few of the question I've had. "How did it get to this point?" I'm sure at some point in that guys life he was riding bikes and playing sports with his buddies. He probably went to school and had some friends that he shared innocent laughs with. He probably liked a girl but was too nervous to talk to her. He probably had a specific favorite food (do homeless people have a "favorite" food? or is it all just totally amazing? or is it all just totally disgusting unless it's gin-flavored?). He probably had jeans with backs to them.

I'll never know the answer to any of these questions but I can't help but wonder how life spirals out of control so drastically. I'm not disgusted. I'm just curious. How have we gotten to a point where we're walking around without the backs of our pants?

WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE DOGS???