Genuinely Offended.

Apparently there are a lot of things in this world to be "genuinely offended" by. I hear it all the time. "I am genuinely offended that everyone on the cast of Jersey Shore isn't really Italian." "I am genuinely offended they only have the McRib several weeks out of the year." "I am genuinely offended there aren't any brown people in Girls." "I am genuinely offended by everything RiFF RAFF." "I am genuinely offended by rape jokes." "I am genuinely offended my dad didn't play catch with me as much as my neighbor's dad did." I'm not offended by that. My dad bothered the shit out of me all the time about playing catch.

Bill Clinton shows that sunglasses are a must.

There are a lot of things I do not like about people. The way they look. The talking. The breathing. The LOL'ing. The taking themselves too serious. The Puerto Ricans. But the thing that I do not like the most is hearing someone talk about how "offended" they are by something. This isn't me trying to be offensive. I don't think anybody thinks anything I do is offensive because I'm not arrogant enough to think anybody thinks about me. And that's great. No, seriously. I'm not offended. I don't think about any of you (specifically) either.

If you are over the age of 10 and you are genuinely offended by something, you are most likely wrong and an asshole. There is no other way to put it. Are people genuinely offended by global warming, income inequality, women trafficking, or the fact that the bars and restaurants in Manhattan are full of 25 year-olds at 2pm on Tuesdays? Don't you fucking people have jobs? I guess some people are genuinely offended about those things, but not nearly enough. More people spend their time sighing and scoffing at Miley Cyrus' latest haircut, Army generals' affairs, or the way the guy sitting across from them was a little too obvious when taking a picture. Get over the picture creepshow, in 20 years you'll be flattered by a guy like him not-so subtly taking your picture. (This time it won't be me. I won't be alive in 20 years.)

It's true. We are a nation of fat crybabies. "But Rush Limbaugh said all those racist, sexist, faggy comments about the Jews and the blacks!" Oh. Fucking. Well. And it's not just Americans. It's everyone. Open up your newspaper and you'll see millions of people around the world being "genuinely offended." It's the Arabs' fault. No! It's the Jews' fault. Well maybe it's the terrorists' fault. Nah, it's the Chinese communists' fault. It's religion's fault. It's atheists' fault. Blame Canada! I don't know, I'm pretty sure it's rich people's fault! Everybody is killing everybody over some shit they're offended by. It's your fault for being offended.

Don't be offended if I wear this shirt while I masturbate to my most awesome Tweets.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be offended by anything. If someone killed my wife and bragged about it when they were on trial, I would probably be genuinely offended.

And you should be offended that I just constructed a hypothetical that consists of a woman that is married to me. Sorry. I meant no offense.

Be more selective of what you're offended by. Leave the rest alone.