Your neck bone is connected to the...love of your life.

I was once told, "If you can't bench press her, she's too fat." I'd hate to be the first guy in history to succumb to that death. A weakling suffocating under his fat disgusting girlfriend. Can it get more embarrassing? Either way I think it's simple advice. The only problem is, I'm pretty small and adult women usually weigh over 85 pounds. So if I was to take this advice I'd be standing outside middle schools wearing sunglasses and handing out Tootsie Rolls (while doing the Tootsie Roll). That's a totally disgusting life.

Now watch this video.

                           
                         

Are you totally blown away? You better be. That one dude was playing the accordion while balancing that other dude who is playing the accordion on his head. I watched this over and over and told myself that it couldn't be real. But then the guy gets down and I can't see any way around it. And of course I dissected this the way I dissect everything. (Seriously.)

1) Who was the first person to do this and why?

2) How can this help me pick up chicks?

I got to thinking. I could find a partner to do this with, preferably somebody bigger than me because (again) I'm small and don't think I have the neck for most of my friends. Also, if I was upside down on a friend's head, chicks wouldn't be able to tell how short I am. Win win. We could stand around staring at people then I'd casually pop up onto his head and wait for the chickadees to flock. Sure we'd hear cheesy jokes like, "You must have a lot on your mind." But we'd get over it.

Having this talent would be revolutionary for me. I could go to a bar (or the library, wherever), sit next to a pretty girl and say, "I bet I can balance you on my head." She'd think I was being a pervert and I'd have a smooth reply like, "Girl. Don't get a head of yourself." (Doesn't make any sense but chicks usually just like stuff that sounds smart.) Then I'd pop a stranger on the top of my head and balance them for a minute and she'd beg for me to give her a try. So I'd pop her up on my head and she'd never want to get down. And it's not like she could anyways. Falling straight on your head from 5 feet 6 inches (unless I'm wearing my good heels) would result in a cracked skull. No woman would want that. I'd just walk straight out of the bar (or library) with her on my head and take her home. Easy as pie. 

Plus. You'd have proof that all those friends you have that supposedly get all the girls, are really just bringing home whatever they find at the bottom of the barrel. Just look at their necks. It's like rings of a tree. A bigger neck with more "rings" only means one thing: Fat bitches. Those guys at the gym doing those ridiculous neck exercises with the weight strapped to their head are just gearing up for battle with the big mamas. More power to them. More importantly, guys would have to stop putting gel in their hair. How the hell are you going to balance a chick on your head if your hair is all gelled and spiky and shit?

So not only have I cured my loneliness. I've rid the world of hair gel. You can thank me later. I have to go practice balancing some shit on my head.