Yellowsexuals.

I've always been a bit confused by white guys that seem to have a very specific "type." And that "type" being gooky-lookin' yellow Asian giggly bitches. Well, "Asian" is probably enough to describe it. In high school there were always a few dorky white guys that owned trench coats, or were really into video games, or studied some form of martial arts, or stayed after school for Asian-American-Ching-Chong Club, or were really into being bad at breakdancing, or used any other of the millions of geeky distractions (Japanese class, anime, etc.) to hide the fact that they were really trying to get some of that Yellow stanky on their Anglo hang-lows. In college I was too depressed by my bullshit problems to notice. Then I went to China and saw all kinds of white 45 year-old high school creepshows walking around with Chinese girls half their age who barely spoke English. It creeped me out, mostly because I was imagining what they were doing behind closed doors. My imagination wanders, often in the wrong direction.

Within the past few years I came across a number of white guys that were really into Asian girls and always thought it was weird. I should just accept that yellow women have the same wet parts (sideways or not) as all the other colors of women, so why wouldn't [white] men like them? But there is something about these guys I've always thought was a little different. And the thing is, I can't put it into words. And I can usually put everything into words. Often times disgusting words. Maybe it's me fishing around for those stereotypical high school character traits I've always attributed to these white guys suffering from yellow fever. But it's like the arrow in between the 'e' and the 'x' in Fedex, once you see it, you cannot not see it. Actually, that analogy doesn't really work. Like at all. I think I just wanted to use it to see if the reader knows what I'm talking about. And to sound creative. I'm going to hold onto that one and figure out how to use it some day.

I have come across a few black dudes or latinos who are really into Asian women. (And not just the Wu-Tang clan.) It's just not nearly as often. Black dudes often get distracted by the Extra-Fat vanilla ice cream, but I don't think it completely distracts them from all the other flavors. And latinos, especially the short ones, seem to be down to try just about anything (see: barrel-shaped Mexican women). Are Asian girls a White People Problem? Yes.

If you've ever hung out with my friends in NYC you will quickly notice that they are mostly male, and they mostly like other males. If you called me a fag stag, I wouldn't deny it but I would prefer you call me a fruit fly. They are absolutely fabulous! (For full effect, lisp the s's from here on out.) More than one of these friends has told me on different and separate occasions that if a white guy is really into yellow girls, he is gay. And when I thought about all of my past experiences with white men and their Asian girlfriends, it put things into a new perspective. I can't say that I think this stereotype is true, but I won't say it's not true.

So what is it that makes these g-rods think these white guys are masking their peter appetite with Asian girls? Do Asian girls have some sort of secret masculinity that I'm unaware of? Are they all Madonna fanatics? Do Asian girls rip off their shirts at the slightest hint of dance music or a chance to get a tan? Is it because Asian girls often lack shape? Does this lack of shape have these white guys lickin' their lips for some pre-pubescent boy flavor? I don't get it. But at the same time I think I do. I kinda see it. Asians are usually timid and non-confrontational. What better way to cover up your true sexuality than with a slanty-eyed girl that isn't going to ask questions and giggles at 93% of the shit you say?

Whatever it is, I know it doesn't matter. Who cares why these white guys prefer Asian girls? Maybe it's the porcelain skin, or the petite frames, or the good grades, or maybe because it's a permanent video game partner. Or maybe it's because they really do want penis in and around their faces. Oh well. I'm just fascinated about this conclusion my gay buddies have come to. White guys can go right on liking The Yellows. It don't matter to me, I like the brown ones with the butts. Actually, who am I kidding? I like the ones that look at me for at least 3 seconds. I'm in love with them at 4.

I think it was the white half of Drake that said, "Shout out to Asian girls, let the light dim sum."

Might not be gay, but sure is a...