Dating Websites.

There have been far too many mornings where I have waken up (woken up, awakened, what the fuck is it?) with an unused Kleenex in my hand. For you innocents out there, this means that I was preparing to masturbate in my bed, with my computer next to me, not my iPad because it doesn't have Flash, and apparently you need to have Flash to watch a lot of the videos of naked girls I have found that are satisfying (enough) but then fell asleep before I could do it, because I walked too many dogs. That's not a euphemism for boning too many willing women, it's my job. Walking dogs is tiring. And I had Kleenex because it's the perfect way to clean up the millions of baby Martys that don't really deserve a place in this world anyways. I mean seriously, do we really need a more entitled, bitter, ill-peckered, dickhead roaming Mother Earth coming up with out-of-place dick jokes and trolling the internet, all while telling the whole world wide web every single pathetic detail of his life? No, we don't.

OkCupid. Tinder. Should I do it? I've never really put serious thought into joining a dating website. And contrary to what some people might think, it's not because I think they are lame. I get it. Life is lonely. You're born alone, you die alone. Why not use a tool that's available to possibly make life a little less lonely? If that's by combing through potential matches of pictures of people you might spend the rest of your life with, on your phone on the subway, while trying to ignore the 2Chainz songs coming out of the Indian kid's, who keeps saying "nigga" to his do-ragged Indian friends, cellphone. Then so be it. I wish you well.

The truth is, I've never considered getting on a dating website because I'm not exactly sure I'm in the mood to meet new people. Do I need more "friends"? Do I really want to talk about what I majored in college? Or what ethnicity I am? Or why I moved to New York City? Or why I have a mid-life crisis every 4-6 days? Or why I wear button down shirts with two pockets on the chest to hide my man boobs?

And do I want to ask those questions, and then listen to the answers to those questions?

Sometimes I wonder if my quaint free time spent taking guitar lessons, working out, trying really hard not to eat cookies, trolling the internet, is really just a guard I've placed against fears in my life. Maybe I'm avoiding dating because I'm afraid of being disappointed when nothing but trolls, whales, ghouls, and goblins show up on my e-dating match list. Or maybe I don't want to go on a bad date and have to awkwardly shake hands with some girl that started a statement with, "I don't want to sound racist but..." Or maybe I'm not in the mood to explain why I have a "pecker" and not a "penis."

"Penis."

If I'm being completely honest, I actually think I'm more interested in learning new things, about the world, about myself, about life, than I am about getting blowjobs. Is that weird? Am I doing it wrong?

If I do decide to join one of these sites, a friend has provided me with a strategy that I'm starting to think is a bit genius. He told me to use Tinder, download an app that Likes everyone, and see what connections are made. If there, for some totally fucking strange reason, are cute girls that I'm interested in meeting, I could invite them to a night out and let them know I'll be with a couple friends. This way, they can bring a few friends, and there is a lot less pressure than going out for dinner and having to worry about paying for several entrees and making up interesting things I haven't done. At the very least, we'll be at a bar with our friends meeting new people, wondering if I just tried to set up some sort of weird orgy. Maybe it's the pussy way out. But it's a pretty good idea.

Unfortunately, all of my friends are taller, better looking, and funnier than me. I'm usually used as the bait. Sometimes I'm the bitter guy that has Kleenex balls under his bed that can be cracked in half. And sometimes, I'm a walking aphrodisiac...for other people. I butter the biscuits but I never get to taste them. There have been quite a few times where (I thought) I've charmed a lady only to find out she's got a boyfriend that she's now rushing home to go to after laughing at all the lines I've practiced for hours and stolen from people a lot cooler than me. So that leaves me with a new problem. I have to find new friends. Friends that are lame, lack fun facts, under 5-foot-6, and hopefully more Asian.

OkCupid? Tinder? Interested in: Friends.

- Marty