Facebook and Kim Jong-Il

I have been looking for this hat for months.

After many minutes (maybe even hours) spent looking to see if Kim Jong-Il, the real Kim Jong-Il, had a Facebook account I'm disheartened and a bit depressed to say that I never found one. Sure there are a lot of people posing as Mr. Il but none of them seem genuine. I was really hoping to find one of those pictures of him where he tried to make it look like he didn't take it, staring off into the distance maybe to some faraway land (South Korea possibly?). Or maybe even a cute picture using Photo Booth on his MacBook Pro (you best believe he has a "Pro" and didn't settle for some less expensive model, actually he probably already has an iPad, he's fuckin Kim Jong-Il he's got a bed made out of women, seriously...he does). Could you imagine the tyranny Mr. Il would inflict on his Facebook buddies? I could only imagine the barrage of "requests" his e-friends would get. Mr. Il would have the most unbelievable farm on FarmVille, he would win Mafia Wars, and I would imagine that he would always be voted "Funnier Than Your Friend[s]." He would also have the most e-friends because seriously who would have the courage to deny that e-friendship request? I bet if someone e-de-friended (how the hell has the English language evolved into this?) him he would hunt them down, capture them, and make them work at his fun parks (slave camps).

My good friend Dario always has the best Facebook profile pictures.

But then again, why would he have a Facebook? He already has a platform to voice his opinion (it's called complete control over everything), he is the biggest personal importer of Hennessy in the world ($650,000 a year for his personal stash...and Jay-Z calls himself a pimp?), nobody says shit to him when he wears sunglasses indoors and at night, and many North Koreans believe he can control the weather with his mood. Did I mention he has a bed made out of women? So why would he need a bunch of fake "friends" posting all kinds of bullshit on his "Wall"? And tagging pictures of him passed out (surely from too much Hennessey and definitely on his bed made out of women) with a Crayola penis drawn onto his cheek? No, he doesn't need that.

The rest of us do.