Strange Teddy.

One thing I like about my job is that I get to talk to strangers all day. Of course, like everyone else, I hate strangers, not because they're strange but because they're not strange enough. The only people I tend to be short with (holy shit, that is one expression I can never use...for obvious reasons) are the people that say, "Can you hurry up? I'm in a rush." Those words automatically trigger my 'hangin' out' mode and I take 3 times the amount of time I would normally take to ring them up and send them on their way. If you're in a rush, what the hell are you doing shopping? Why is anyone in a rush? Do you really want to get back to that mediocrity you call Life in such a hurry? Does cutting out coupons really need to happen right this instant? Well, I guess it might if they're about to expire, but you get my point.

I guess I like talking to these strangers because I know it's only going to last a few minutes, then with a bit of luck I'll never see them again. Occasionally, there will be someone so strange that I'll find myself thinking about it hours after our conversation. It's usually when a person comes up to the register who could either be a guy or a girl or both. The other day it happened and I had no idea if I should say "she" or "he" when I was talking to my supervisor in front of her(him?). Those meetings get old though. My favorite are the top-notch weirdos.

It's policy at my job to check an ID if the back of a credit card isn't signed. A few days ago a very Chinese looking woman plopped down a bunch of bullshit she didn't need and handed me a credit card. After scanning everything and folding it, I took the card and looked at the back. No signature. I asked for an ID and it became quickly apparent that she had no idea what I was talking about. (Most people don't.) So I made my best attempt at sign language, but how do you mime "Identification Card"? You just end up drawing a rectangle with your fingers and smiling a bunch which is actually sign language for "Box. Smile. Box. Smile. Box. Smile. I Am A Fucking Idiot." She giggled a bunch and then waved over a really strange looking guy. I liked the guy immediately. He was kind of fat, wore mid-calf white sock, New Balance shoes, and an amazing American Flag shirt on. Oh yea I forgot to mention this. He had a Teddy Bear.

Yes. I said it.

A Teddy Bear.

It wasn't one of those obnoxious Teddy Bears that guys win for their girlfriends at the carnival. Even though the guy had the necessary outfit on, I don't think he had just come from any sort of amusement park or carnival. No, I think this Teddy Bear of his was HIS. It looked worn, like it had seen better days. As he handed me his ID, I fumbled it and found myself unable to look at it. I was too enamored with Mr. (Mrs.?) Teddy Bear. As they walked away hand in hand my mind wondered and wandered. I had so many questions.

• When did he start carrying this Teddy Bear around?
• Did he take it into the bathroom with him?
• How did he hold it while he was taking a leak? A dump?
• Where did he get it from?
• Did he ever have to wash it?
• Is it considered a carry-on when he travels?
• Did he talk to it?
• Did he fake feed it?"
• If he walked around with this Teddy Bear all day can we assume he didn't sleep with it at night? Because that seems kind of selfish if this Teddy Bear never got a break.
• What if he had a job interview? Did he bring it with him?
• Was it from his childhood? Why didn't his parents tell him it wasn't a good way to pick up chicks?
• Or was it?

Obviously it's not a good way to pick up chicks. It was really obvious to me that this guy bought his wife from China. And by the looks of her, I assume he got quite a deal out of the 'Clearance' section of the catalogue. Maybe it was Buy 1 Get 1 Half Off. Or maybe it was just part of the agreement. Some little Chinese guy (maybe the woman's father) who thought it would be purely evil to make the pervert carry around an embarrassing Teddy Bear for the rest of his life. Then again, a guy who is ready and willing to buy a wife from China is probably not easily embarrassed.

This Antique Steiff Teddy Bear (whatever that is) is going for nearly $1000. I can't even imagine what kind of trim a Teddy Bear this expensive would get you. Actually, in a logical world, the more expensive a Teddy Bear, the less chance a woman will talk to you. But we all know this world is far from "logical." Actually it's a lot more like a nightmarish bullshit fairytale where everyone is pretending and avoiding reality. I guess this guy was the first to realize it. And he deals with it as best as he can. By carrying his Teddy Bear around and loving every second of it.

Mr. Steiff Teddy Bear might be 100 years-old but he still has a goddamn crotch.