You think it's a game?

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I am so insecure that when I turn off my iPod I make sure it is playing a gangster ass rap song. If you can guess why, then I owe you a kiss on the lips because you've really figured me out. I do this in order to make sure that if I happen to lose my iPod, whoever Finds it will think, "Man, this dude must have been one badass motherfucker."

This is one of my picks. As soon as the Finder puts this on they'll think, "Goddamn this is my fucking jam." Then they'll think, "The dude who owned this iPod musta been a real soulful ass crazy motherfucker." I like that.

Here's another one of my recent favorites. The finder would put this on and think, "This dude must love thinking about what's in his closet. I bet he's got clothes, bank rolls, and hoez in his closet." Nope. Crunchy balled up Kleenexes. Mouse traps. And old Dorito bagz.

These are just a few examples. So you see I'm not nervous that I'll be devastated if I lose my personal property. I'm worried what the person who Finds my iPod will think of me. I'm afraid of what the hypothetical Finder might think of me if a completely hypothetical situation (that I created in my little stupid mind) unfolds exactly the way I think it would. Is that the 7th degree of separation?

Are you wondering why I have to change my music in the first place? You think I just listen to badass Hip-Hop 24/7? I used to. But I can't. I need Ray J. Yea I said it. Unfortunately, his picture shows up every time I play it. I can't let a Finder think I'm some sorry little brown girl with a big bumper. (I wish.) I have to change the song. I can't stand to think that One Wish is the soundtrack to my life. Unfortunately it is.

Change the song. You never know who might be listening.

Don't look so sad Ray J. You'll find your shirt.

You might be asking, "Well what if someone steals your iPod and knows it's yours, they'll know you're just a little 4-eye freakazoid." You're an asshole. Real Gangsters don't get robbed. We rob. Bitch.