Dogs, Cake, and The Taste Spectrum.

This is going to be really stupid so if you have important things to do, go and do them and skip over until you have more free time and even then you should probably go do something else. Here are some ideas.

• Look at the wall.
• Google yourself.
• Google your mama.
• Google your mama's mama.
• Google your baby's mama.
• Google your baby's mama's mama.
• Don't you dare Google my mama.
• Bitchaass motherfuckstain.

Well now I definitely wasted some of your time. Anyways, a handful of years ago my friend Tess had a graduation party and although her party isn't at all important this many years later, I still remember it because of something I witnessed while I was fake laughing and pretend listening. Tess's (or is it Tess'? even if it is Tess', that looks stupid) parents are the proud owners of some very awesome pugs. As I was lying to everyone (and myself) I saw one of the lucky pugs sniff around a tipped over garbage bag and start chowing down on some delicious-looking cake. I watched it carefully and thought, "Even if that dog doesn't eat its own shit now, it's going to definitely start tomorrow." When it was apparent that I wasn't listening to everyone's conversation, they looked over to see what had caught my attention. Of course Tess grabbed her pug and scolded it. I laughed. And my friend Dan said, "Man look at that dog. I bet it's so fucking happy right now. Can you imagine how good that cake tastes to it?" And to this day I always ponder how good cake must taste to a dog.

In case you haven't noticed, people are getting fatter and fatter and fatter. Josh and I were watching TV a while ago and there was a fat naked guy (don't ask) and Josh simply said, "It barely looks human!" It didn't at all. And you know what causes people to get fat? Loneliness. And cake. Humans love cake. Of course they do. It's amazing. And don't worry this isn't going to turn into a post about me hating people who love cake. I just hate people. Cake can stay.

So if there are people out there killing themselves by eating too much cake, what is it like for dogs who get to eat cake? I mean if it's on one end of our taste spectrum (that end called: Fucking AWESOME) then what the hell is it on their taste spectrum? Shouldn't every dog die of a heart attack as soon as it tasted cake? (Keep in mind dogs are going from Dog Food, Their Own Asshole, and Their Own Dogshit, to CAKE! They're not going from a pretty awesome base like Doritos to Cake.) I mean if there were a human equivalent to that taste sensation, our heads would probably explode from the pleasure. If we're already killing ourselves over cake, then how are these cake-tasting dogs still finding reasons to live?

I guess people can reach that level of pleasure when they do something like heroin. But then they start doing crazy shit like voluntarily (and involuntarily) sucking dick and/or robbing people for it. I don't see any dogs attacking other dogs or humans to suck their dicks or rob them for cake money. Or are they? And I'm just not noticing it.

Time to start looking.

On what occasion do you get a cake that is modeled after your baby. When it's born or when it dies? Both occasions seem inappropriate for fetus-cake eating.

The reason I made "Own Asshole" bold and italicized is because I would imagine that your own asshole would taste like shit (is that a pun?) when compared to someone else's asshole. Let me clarify. If you're tasting someone else's asshole you're probably the type of person who is really into eating asshole and you're ready to take on and enjoy the weird flavor. It's like when vegans get really into bullshit vegan food like Tree Bark and Dirt (I wonder what cake tastes like to them. Then again, I don't care. They're barely human and not nearly as enjoyable as dogs). Now if you're being forced to taste someone else's asshole then it's probably the worst fucking thing on the planet. Maybe those should be the official titles of our taste spectrum.

Marty's Taste Spectrum.

Forced Asshole Tasting. (Dog Food). ------------------------------------ Desired Asshole Tasting. (Cake).