I think everybody feels somewhat comfortable talking about the weather because everybody experiences it. Of course you don't need me to tell you that. I'm sure not a single one of you is sitting there thinking, "Man I bet parts of Africa don't have any weather at all." I don't even know what that means. Anyways. When I was caddying, I paid close attention to the weather, mostly for rain, just because our money depended on sunshine. If it was going to be 75 degrees out I knew to expect a lot of (golf) play so I would arrive early and stick it out. If it was going to be 105 degrees out I knew to expect a lot of (golf) play so I would arrive early and stick it out. Let's face it, weather doesn't seem to effect rich people. I think they've somehow manufactured a built-in air conditioning system that we (the peasants) can't see. And let's also face the fact that weather doesn't seem to effect brown people that need the money. I caddied in 40 degree weather. And I caddied in 105+ degree weather. I'm bout that money.
When Hurricane Irene was approaching New York City I really didn't have the slightest clue on what to do. I knew we needed water and non-perishables (like Doritos, cookies, and bullshit) but I didn't know what else. It really opened my eyes to the lack of experience I've had with extreme weather. I mean in Chicago it gets "Freeze Your Dick Off (No Matter What Size)" cold but you just stay in your house and your penis stays connected to you. (And trust me, you need it on those boring cold days.) Josh and I went to the grocery store and pretty much bought what we thought we needed. When we got home I looked at our rations and realized it just looked like we were preparing for a party.
I'm starting to think this whole storm business was a genius marketing scheme by Frito-Lay.
Yodels (you think we can afford Ho-Ho's?), all kinds of cookies, Cheez-Its, matches, old-ass radio (it worked), some hot sauce, and some canned food under all the real food.
That vodka bottle is actually filled with water.
There is some canned food in there. Lots of pasta which would have been useless if we would have lost gas.
We even filled up some water bottles that were laying around the apartment. We got a couple of loaves of bread so we can spread almond butter on them bitches. What you know about almond butter?
I think our rations would have lasted us about 2 or 3 days. Remember most of that shit I showed is junk food so if things would have gotten real bad Josh and I would have eaten the shit out of all that food and cried. We might have hugged at the same time or even fed each other to feel less lonely.
So after realizing that we would be fed for at least a few days, we started to think of other things we should worry about. "If we're going to be eating all of this bullshit food, it's gotta come out sometime." So we figured we might as well fill up the bathtub so we'd have more poop water just in case the water went out.
Josh said it was for flushing the toilet.
This doesn't really make too much sense to me because if we really needed water to flush the toilet couldn't we just go outside and scoop up a puddle? Plus as we were filling up the tub (yes it took two of us) I started to think, "If anything, this isn't going to be used for toilet water, this is going to be used when we run out of food and I have to drown Josh's bitchass." Or drown myself, which is way more likely.
More water. A fucking hurricane is coming and all we can stock up on is water...
We froze bags of ice so we could drop them on looters' heads. Actually this was a good idea Josh had. If the power went out we'd still have a cold freezer, and when the ice froze we could use the leftover water as drinking water. OH! We're college educated bitches! Actually his stepdad gave him the tip, and I'm not sure if he's college educated.
And of course candles, flashlights, and batteries. For finding hookers then getting all romantic with them.
After we bought all of this stuff, we waited for the the storm. After waiting all day, it started raining hard at around 9pm (I'm just guessing) and by that time I was uninterested. At 1am I went to bed and woke up at 10am. It had passed.
I went outside and checked the damage. Aside from a few downed trees and a couple of tired looking Puerto Ricans, everything seemed to be normal. Unfortunately there were a bunch of anorexic hipsters walking around which saddened me but I guess it was wrong of me to hope they would have been blown away by the wind. It's hard to blow away when you're pockets are heavy with your parents' money. (I used that one on Twitter and people liked it!)
The one thing I continuously heard people say or read online was, "Irene was disappointing." Or, "Irene, you fucking bitch, you ruined my weekend." I started to wonder if people were replacing their girlfriends/wives names with "Irene" and letting out their aggression or they actually thought "Irene" could hear them. It was obnoxious. Are we that overprivileged that we're disappointed when a hurricane doesn't cause mass destruction and ruin a shitload of people's lives? Do people not realize that many other states were hit with stronger winds that caused more damage and more rain that caused more flooding? Did any of them look at the areas that were effected that aren't in America? What about those people?
Preacher Mode : On.
It's really disheartening that people can't just be Thankful that the hurricane wasn't as deadly and destructive as predicted. They have to sit around and bitch about how they couldn't go out and drink and try to rape girls/guys for a WHOLE weekend. It's a reminder to me that the biggest complaint people should have had was, "Irene, what the hell? You made me realize that I don't have anything to say and can't have a normal conversation with my roommate/family member because I spend all day on Facebook, "Like"-ing things and commenting on pictures I took of myself. You made me realize I am completely alone and I totally suck."
Look at all the bullshit I was able to buy to prepare for this hurricane. Most people in the world couldn't buy any of that shit in a hurricane-less week (which is a shame because those Jalapeno Cheetos are the biznesssss!). And how did I know what was coming? Because I have the internet and access to all sorts of information that made sure I could prepare responsibly. You think people in low lying parts of the world are always informed when a tsunami or hurricane or whatever they call it where they live is approaching their homes?
I can go on forever about this but I'll stop. Hurricane Irene might have done less damage to New York than predicted but it taught me and reminded me of a few things. It taught me how to prepare for a storm (or maybe some other catastrophe). It taught me that people are assholes in all sorts of weather (I probably already knew that). It reminded me to not take my privileges for granted. And it taught me that the strongest winds these days...are the jet streams of bullshit coming out of people's stupid fat faces.
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