Not that there's anything wrong with it...

People have called me a Hater all of my life. In a way I guess they're right. I do hate a lot of things. Lazy people. Country Club members. Everything Australian. Onions in my potato salad. When a girl looks real good up front but when she walks by and you turn around to look at the bumper and it doesn't exist. Boston. The list goes on. Look around you. What is there to like? And why don't you hate more things? Maybe if we stopped applauding mediocrity and "occupying" and started putting passion and effort into things and started "slapping-the-shit-out-of" we'd have more things to be proud of. But right now. Here. I always have the Hate Meter turned on high.

So this new UNHATE program has caught my attention. I guess it's kind of hard to not notice a picture of Kim Jong-Il kissing some Chinese girl. What the actual point is, I'm not sure. I guess they're trying to get all of these Presidents (Gods in the case of Kim Jong-Il) to kiss and "UNHATE" each other. Then we'd all live in one big happy world where plums would be sugary sweet, kids would get the education they deserve, and every girl would have a nice butt. Ain't happening.

Kim Jong-Il don't play that. He's got a bed made out of women. No. Seriously. He has a bed made out of women. Living ones. With nice butts. (Don't take my word on the butts part.)

Of course I think Peace is a great thing. But I'll let you in on a little bit of a secret: Peace isn't Fun. Seriously. Think about all of the hillbillies on Jerry Springer. What if they all of a sudden stopped having sex with their uncles, or started paying child support, or stopped sucking their neighbors' bootyholes? What if they just sat on stage and complimented each other? Who the hell would watch that?

Not convinced? I guess I wouldn't be either. Is Jerry Springer even on anymore?

Think about this. Think about any great standup comedian you've seen. Are they ever talking about how great things are? I mean the great standup comedians. Not the guy with the puppets or that one white guy named Dane Cook. What if Chappelle were up on stage saying, "You know what. I UNHATE white people! I forgive them for talking down to me or trying to make money off of my social critique. And I forgive them for placing more money in their own school systems and not investing in every child's education. And I think it's innocent when they assume I'm going to order the chicken." I'm sure that would be a hit.

So this whole UNHATE thing might be a good marketing idea but it won't last. At least I hope it doesn't. If it did I'd never be able to converse again. My whole "thing" is based around the fact that I'm never satisfied and that I don't like anything. Not even myself. So if I all of a sudden had to compliment everything and everyone, I'd never open my mouth. No one would laugh and I wouldn't blame them. I think what's even scarier than complimenting others is the idea of me UNHATING myself. Look at me! How can you possibly UNHATE that?

Peace isn't Fun and it sure as hell isn't Funny. Plus. Barack Obama doesn't like Asian girls. He ain't no yellow-sexual.

Barack ain't kissing yellows. And he sure as hell ain't taking Kim Jong-Il's sloppy seconds.