Sleep No More.

I haven't really done the whole theater thing since I've moved to this asshole city. Mostly because I can't afford it. I would love to go see The Motherfucker With The Hat starring Chris Rock. Or The Book of Mormon. And I'm sure there are a lot of other awesome ones I don't even know about that would enhance my shit-talking skills. But, I'm too much of a hillbilly to keep up on things like that. And most days I think I'd rather just sit on the couch, yell at my girlfriend, and watch the NFL! Real hillbilly shit.

I'm fortunate to have bosses that have souls. Actually. These guys have GOOD hearts! I know. I'm blessed. Such a turn-around from this bullshit ass place. A few days ago, in anticipation to the headache that is Fashion Night Out, they bought us tickets to go see Sleep No More. Assholes. Don't they know I have a ton of sleep trouble? Just kidding (about them being assholes (they're really great), not about the trouble sleeping part, it's like my #1 talent). I was probably the most excited I've ever been to see any sort of theater.

I'm sure you're not aware of the show because if you're wasting your time reading this you're probably really good at breathing out of your mouth and probably really bad at fractions (seriously, what the fuck is a motha-fuckin' remainder?) I was originally told that the show was just a big building that is the set and stage and you walk around doing whatever you like. I cringed at the idea. I DO NOT LIKE INTERACTION. Can't you tell? Ask me how I'm doing and you'll undoubtedly hear a SIGH and some other sound that is my personal version of bitching. Having to talk to actors sounded like the worst thing ever. I don't even like talking to actors when I get introduced to one of them at a bar, let alone in their natural habitat.  They're loud, they're obnoxious, and really they just steal all the attention that I want. It's bullshit.

Then I saw this picture. And I was all like Jiggggggaaaaa WHAAAAA?!?!

Dead naked bitches? On the real? For real for feal? ON THE REAL. FOR REAL! FOR! REAL! You might think I'm nuts but c'mon, Free Dead Naked Bitches. I guess I wouldn't ever pay for dead naked bitches. Why would you? They might be naked but they're still dead.

But yea. This picture sent a chill up my spine and reminded me of Twin Peaks (which I've been watching recently). So I read a bit more and discovered that you would only be walking around the building, following actors if you so choose, or just exploring, unlocking mysteries, or taking a nap which is kind of what I wanted to do for at least a little while. I sleep in the smallest twin sized bed from IKEA. I have never slept in a bed bigger than a twin size in my entire life (besides at hotels and some of the girls I tricked into thinking I'm a cool guy who had big beds, so like 3). Don't judge me if I want to sleep in a big bed!

Some people, the ones I avoided, were so scared they were shaking and shivering on the way up. I didn't know what they expected. Did they think there was a real chance they were going to get naked then get killed? Well I guess there sort of was, it was pretty dark, and there were a lot of weirdos walking around.

I walked around completely alone the whole time. I explored all of the floors and went through cabinets, picked up candles to read manuscripts, and ate candy that looked ancient out of disgusting jars. I love candy. But to be honest, as cool as the set was and as creepy some of the props were, I had no fucking idea what was going on. I would stay with an actor through a scene but refused to chase them down as much of the nerds and weirdos (neirdos? I like it) did.

I ran into this scene and tried to read what the guy wrote. It was darker than shit and I have terrible vision. He could have been typing Ludacris lyrics and I would have had no goddamn idea. Man. What if he was typing "Ho" lyrics?

It was cool to watch the actors in scenes but I knew that no matter how many I witnessed, I wouldn't really understand the story. (From one of the letters I read, I deduced it was probably Macbeth because it was signed "Lady Macbeth." I'm smart.) If it looked wild then I stayed. If it looked boring and there were no hot actresses, I continued looking for old candy and a bed to take a nap on.

This was one of the first scenes I ran into. I would tell you what happened but I blacked out because I saw that guy's penis. Sometimes I black out when I look at my own. Josh will find me laying in his bed with a couple candles lit and the latest issue of Oprah's magazine and wonder why I was looking at my penis in his room. (Not just looking! WOOHOO!)

 I saw this dude cry and get his penis cleansed (very similar to an average Tuesday night for me). I saw crazy naked bitches and dudes dance to techno music and run around with a fetus. I watched a guy sew a shirt for 10 minutes straight just to see if he would actually do it. I'm convinced he would have stopped as soon as I walked out of the room since I was the only one watching. I saw a dude type a letter. I saw this chick pretend to be asleep or some shit and then push this guy around. Then I saw the ending. It concluded with a dude hanging himself. And he was actually hanging. They must have strapped something to his back for support but it looked real and it was kind of totally awesome.

Overall the experience was pretty cool. I wish I had more of an idea of what was going on but I think everyone leaves feeling that way and it's probably designed to be like that so you feel the need to buy another ticket and give it another shot. What I really took away from the experience is that I really need to start going to more shows. Theater. Movies. Comedy. Mostly comedy. I have to see what I'm up against. Because by the looks of it, I'm up against Free Dead Naked Bitches, Crying Naked Dudes, and a bunch of people in masks. I don't like my odds.

Hide your big booty'd women! Especially if they have big beds!