Gay Marriage and Magic Eye.

I've never really understood the Gay Marriage Movement. Why are people fighting so hard to get married? I feel like the only people who should be excited about marriage are those who have been living under a wet rock their whole lives and have managed to dodge all of the horror stories their friends have about marriage. (You're probably wondering how a person who grew up under a rock has friends. I never said they wouldn't have access to Facebook.) I thought marriage = misery. Is that wrong? Why is, "Marty, don't get married until you absolutely have to," such popular advice these days? (That and, "Take your goddamn hand out of your pants and go talk to her...") I'm sure women would love to blame men for all of the failed marriages. "This wouldn't be so hard if he just noticed me." And you might have a point. But there are shitloads of married women out there who contribute to the misery. And women, what would you spend hours talking about on the phone if you were perfectly happy with your marriage?

Logically, it doesn't make sense to me. I know the human desire for companionship is unbelievably strong. I spend a good amount of time on here describing my experiences with loneliness (I hope in an entertaining way!). But I don't understand why the majority of people choose to get married. An eternal commitment seems a bit silly. It's like people fighting to get into Hell. If less people got married we would hear less disgusting things about politicians, we'd have less trash like Maury and Divorce Court, and we'd hear a lot less bitching from our married friends about their spouses that we don't give a shit about. (No more Maury would mean less kids, I'm convinced people use that show as baby making music these days.) Would humans be happier? Probably not, but that has less to do with marriage than it does with the fact that people are simply...the worst. I do think there would be a lot less arguing and boring stories. "My asshole husband forgot to pick up the dry cleaning and so I'm not going to have sex with him for a year." "My bitch of a wife won't have sex with me for a year because I forgot to pick up her fucking dry cleaning. I'm going to drive my kids into the nearby lake, get out of the car, and pretend it was an accident. I can't wait to see the look on her face!" Terrible things come from terrible people who are too afraid to spend 10 minutes alone with themselves to realize, "Hey, marriage isn't going to fill that hole in my heart."

I am not married. Obviously. I don't spend my Friday nights at the movies, or at a nice romantic dinner with my hypothetical partner. I spend it reading, writing, partying, and trying to see the images in those Magic Eye pictures. I think these Magic Eye pictures are the one thing I understand less than the Gay Marriage Movement. (I know that these things aren't even close to being on the same level.) It has frustrated me forever. People do it with such ease and then have no problem rubbing it in your face or bragging about how they can do it and you can't. They also have the nerve to describe how awesome it is or how disappointed they are with what they see. They can't just appreciate the fact that others aren't so lucky. These people can't even begin to explain how to make it work and take their ability to do it for granted. It's unbelievably frustrating. I hate feeling left out and I hate thinking that there may be the possibility that I'll never be able to experience what everyone else seems to be experiencing. Oh. My. Goodness. Sound familiar? Now I understand the Gay Marriage Movement...

This is marvelous. I can finally see. And boy is it beautiful.

Modern Knight. It's a knight with a gun right? Please say yes.

An observation.

Girl, yo trunk so heavy how you not poppin' a wheelie?

It's a chess board conspiracy.

If you don't like reading my thoughts on homeless people then just skip this post. Asshole.

Many cities have tried to adopt the idea of having free wi-fi in public spaces. Train stations, parks, libraries, etc. I know some cities have had various degrees of success but I don't really know for certain if it's all that necessary. When the idea was first proposed I'm sure many conservatives thought (this is after they bitched and complained about their tax dollars going to anything useful at all), "Well great, maybe some of these homeless people can look for jobs!" Of course I thought, "Hooray for the homeless! MORE FACEBOOK FRIENDS FOR MEEEEE!" I'm sure the government thought, "Well the internet might speed up these homeless people's jerk-off sessions and give them time to finally look for some jobs." Ahem. I know from firsthand experience (no pun intended) that this isn't the case. It may speed up the duration but it ignites the frequency.

This made me start wondering about all of these so-called "upgrades" the government has been making to public spaces. It might just be in New York but it always seems like there is some new distraction to keep people at the park. My latest discovery was this...

Chess board tabletops. These tables cost $2,300 apiece. This definitely makes me believe the government is up to something, they didn't even spend that amount of money on health care reform and climate change combined.

I have seen a lot of homeless looking fellas playing chess across the city so some of these tables are getting good use. But does every single table have to have a built-in chess board? Aren't we being a bit naive? Aren't we giving Americans a little too much credit? We're talking about a country where 48% of people answered "YES" when asked if they believe in ghosts (this was the majority, 45% of people answered "NO" and the other 7% punched the fucking idiot who asked this question in the mouth for wasting their goddamn time with this stupid shit). Approximately 307 MILLION people live in America. Let's do some simple math. Don't worry, I'll do it for you. 48% of 307 million is approximately 147 million. 147 million people in America believe in ghosts and 20% of Americans have "seen or felt the presence of a ghost." So that automatically means 147 million Americans are mentally incapable of playing chess. Seriously, chess boards? Really? There have been numerous chess champions that have been driven mad over the game because of the amount of mental energy it takes to outwit opponents. The last time I checked, I haven't heard of any Tic-Tac-Toe world champions (obviously ghost believers) killing themselves over the intricacies of the game. That would probably be the most pathetic thing recorded in human history. Wait a minute. Is this what the government is trying to do? Are they trying to get homeless people to get so obsessed with the game, they end up killing each other or themselves? Is this modern social engineering? I guess it's kind of clever but they obviously picked the wrong board game. Haven't government officials ever seen people play Monopoly? Even with FAKE money people are ready to kill each other? "You motherfucker, where'd you get all that money to get them hotels. I tell you what, I'll pay you after I get my GO money." "Fuck your GO money and fuck you. You're out of the will. THE REAL WILL!" If they want to get rid of people, they need to change their board game selection.

(I know you're thinking, "But Marty, that board can be used for checkers too!" And to that I say, "If you're playing checkers in public do yourself a favor step into traffic or in front of a train. Or stop thinking about ghosts for long enough to learn how to play chess, idiot.")

P.S. Just because we sometimes see homeless people talking to thin air doesn't mean we should assume they believe in ghosts. It just means we should assume they are fucking crazy.

Joshua Paige.

When trying to pursue a career in something creative, I've always thought it's good to explore your vision in as many different ways as possible as long as you're honest and you throw yourself into it. "Make no little plans." But as you know, I can be a lazy fool just like the rest of America. I'd apologize but what's the point anymore? At least I can admit that I just really like looking at things I'll never be able to afford, listening to rap music that makes me laugh, and watching people I most certainly will always hate. It's a full-time job. I realize that wisdom is useless without application but I'm too much a bitch to do anything about it. What can I say, I just like to watch. Of course, like always, I'm being a bit hard on myself. When you're trying to do something that is your own you always feel like you could be doing more. Everybody struggles with it.

These past few months I've finally felt like I'm beginning to understand what it is I want to do. Make things that are beautiful, meaningful, ridiculous, and totally fucking hilarious. I'll give up on it when I'm dead.

Josh hard at work. He told me that his necklace draws a lot of attention. I'd get one but I already have enough homeless people talking to me.

My friend Josh (not my roommate) and I are going to start a comic strip that has yet to be titled. We don't know what characters we'll see, what themes we'll explore, or what kind of response we're going to get but we're excited. And that's all that matters. We're going to have a little fun with it. I have a lot of faith in Josh's talent. He can draw like a motherfucker. (I know that expression probably doesn't make any sense. I mean seriously, why would a person whose bone-preference that's limited to mothers be more gifted at expressing themselves through drawing than a normal person who will bone mothers, brothers, fathers, sisters, siblings, etc.?) And I can confidently say that Josh has faith in my ability to pick apart social interactions and talk shit about the lies and mediocrity. Together, shit is definitely going to get crazy. Stay tuned.

What up girl?

Josh also likes the brown girls with the big butts. At least I think he does. If he doesn't...MORE FOR ME!

Gauges. My scientific breakthrough.

For some reason gauges are getting more and more popular. In case you don't know what I'm referring to I've provided a disgusting picture to get you better acquainted...

I'm sure this asshole has a dog that he doesn't take care of.

I guess I should have seen the rise in popularity coming since people really love showing society just how "different" and "rebellious" they can be. You already know what I'm going to say. What's your best guess as to why you think I think people get gauges? Yep. You're right. Daddy issues. But I'm going to share with you a scientific discovery I made all by myself. (And trust me, I am all by myself. You think I'd have time to think of this shit if I wasn't?)

When I was younger, I remember being unbelievably perplexed when my teacher told us that the rings on a tree reveal how old it is. I remember thinking, "HAHA! No seriously, that's just something you tell us because we're young and naive and still pull our pants all the way down when we go peepee at the urinal. But seriously. What are they actually for?" Yea, even at such a young age I was questioning authority. And then as the years wore on, I was told by multiple Science teachers that this was indeed the case. I still sometimes wonder, "Who the hell figured that out? He (she) must have been All By Himself (Herself) because no one with a semi-attractive partner would have the time to think of such craziness." I'm also too lazy to google it and do some modern research on the history of the The Great Tree Rings Debate.

If my counting ability is up to par, I think this tree is 21 years old which means it can legally drink alcohol and feel guilty for smashing on 17 year-olds. Oh wait no it can't because its fucking dead.

Can you see where I'm headed with this? Of course you can.

"He" hates his dad, but just a little bit. My guess: "Dad didn't properly show me how to put on eyeliner until I was 20 which was much too late for prom! Asshole!"

This dude hates his dad a fair amount. My guess: "Dad didn't play catch with me enough when I was little. He also never gave me tips on how to pick up women so I've resorted to gelling my hair into that weird pointy thing that I saw on that Hot Topic ad. I also kinda sorta gave a guy a handjob in the bathroom of that Fall Out Boy concert. I still don't know if I liked it or not."

He hates his dad a pretty good amount. My guess: "I hate my dad. But I'd love to call the right guy DADDY! All. Night. Long."

He REALLY hates his dad. My guess: "I really hate my dad...so I fucking killed him. He's dead and I still really hate him. I really hate my mom too. WHY DO I HAVE TO CLEAN MY ROOM BEFORE I CAN PLAY Wii BOWLING? IT'S NOT FAIR!!! Maybe I'll kill her too."

Pretty significant scientific breakthrough huh? These things tell me everything about a person's relationship with their father. I can really gauge how much they hate their dads. Is that where the name came from?

I'm sure some of you "educated" assholes think you found a flaw in my breakthrough. You didn't. "Well how do you explain the Africans and Native tribes that have been putting gauges in their ears for years???"

She really hates white people. I'm guessing they probably stole her people's land and gave them smallpox blankets.

If I'm reading his gauge correctly. He really really really fucking hates white people. So much so that he put little drums in his ears so that when one of his buddies wants to freestyle about how much white people suck, he doesn't have to beat box, he can get his ?uestlove on.

I hope I proved my point.

P.S. Is it rape if it's through the gauge hole? Oh shit. Are these things for us to gauge what size penises these guys are interested in? Oh goddamnit. I give up.

I am my father. With more hair (for now) and less weird (for now).

On Father's Day I called Al to let him know how much I appreciate everything he's done for me the past 26 years. We actually never got to that part. Our 15 minute "conversation" was pretty one-sided. I simply complained about the management at my job the entire time and Al listened and laughed. I guess I'm not different. I guess I'm just like every other miserable sack of shit who hates their job. It was probably pretty selfish of me to complain about a job that is meaningless and not very hard, to a man who worked hard as a carpenter for 30+ years. I mean really, what complaint do I have that is going to make him think, "Poor kid really has it rough." But he listens and offers simple advice, "Marty you need a new job." And he's right.

I guess that's the thing I appreciate most about my father these days. He listens and laughs. No matter how much I complain about something that he probably doesn't care about he'll sit through it and let me bitch and moan until I run out of things to say. Every guy fears the idea of turning into their father. Some people avoid having children because of it. I'm starting to think that if I inherit all of my father's best qualities and avoid the bad ones, I'd be happy with it (well isn't that obvious). And I won't really have the opportunity to be the same as my father with regards to children. Because before children, you need a date. And lord knows I don't have one of those.

Al suggested my Gmail icon. No idea where he found this picture, but it continues my streak of amazing pictures. I've never taken a bad one.

A friend's thoughts on my picture...

And of course it wouldn't be complete unless she offered an example...

She's right.

Why I Am The Way I Am.

I don't know if you had The Box growing up. You were lucky if you did. It came in on channels 13 and 28 on the shitty TV in my brother's room when I was growing up and you had to mess with the antenna for hours just to get a horrible picture. But once you had it, it was golden. All the rap music videos you could want and for an 8 year-old that had a bad attitude and a smartass mouth, rap music was everything.

MTV claimed it was "Music Television You Control" but it seemed as if it was really controlled by corny white people that couldn't get over Alanis Morissette and all of the other women that sang songs about hating dudes and god. I don't know, I didn't have cable. The Box was different in that you could actually see the numbers on the lower right-hand side of the screen being punched in by people who wanted to watch the latest Snoop Dogg video or, in my case, Eazy-E's masterpiece. I remember watching this Eazy-E video 8 times in a row because The Box played it 8 times in a row. It was the first song I knew all the lyrics to. At 8 years old I thought I was a Real Motherfucking G. 18 years later and you best believe I still am.

Eazy-E died on my 10th birthday. I remember seeing it on the news and being devastated. He gave me a voice that I had not yet found. And that was his intent right? To give 8 year-old kids like me who grew up in hillbilly middle-class neighborhoods an identity and a place in this world. Yep. I knew it was. And that's why I am the way I am.


Watch the guy in the white shirt on the bottom of the screen from 1:47 to 1:49 checking the oil. Sometimes you gotta see what's under the hoodrat's hood.