Many cities have tried to adopt the idea of having free wi-fi in public spaces. Train stations, parks, libraries, etc. I know some cities have had various degrees of success but I don't really know for certain if it's all that necessary. When the idea was first proposed I'm sure many conservatives thought (this is after they bitched and complained about their tax dollars going to anything useful at all), "Well great, maybe some of these homeless people can look for jobs!" Of course I thought, "Hooray for the homeless! MORE FACEBOOK FRIENDS FOR MEEEEE!" I'm sure the government thought, "Well the internet might speed up these homeless people's jerk-off sessions and give them time to finally look for some jobs." Ahem. I know from firsthand experience (no pun intended) that this isn't the case. It may speed up the duration but it ignites the frequency.
This made me start wondering about all of these so-called "upgrades" the government has been making to public spaces. It might just be in New York but it always seems like there is some new distraction to keep people at the park. My latest discovery was this...
Chess board tabletops. These tables cost $2,300 apiece. This definitely makes me believe the government is up to something, they didn't even spend that amount of money on health care reform and climate change combined.
I have seen a lot of homeless looking fellas playing chess across the city so some of these tables are getting good use. But does every single table have to have a built-in chess board? Aren't we being a bit naive? Aren't we giving Americans a little too much credit? We're talking about a country where 48% of people answered "YES" when asked if they believe in ghosts (this was the majority, 45% of people answered "NO" and the other 7% punched the fucking idiot who asked this question in the mouth for wasting their goddamn time with this stupid shit). Approximately 307 MILLION people live in America. Let's do some simple math. Don't worry, I'll do it for you. 48% of 307 million is approximately 147 million. 147 million people in America believe in ghosts and 20% of Americans have "seen or felt the presence of a ghost." So that automatically means 147 million Americans are mentally incapable of playing chess. Seriously, chess boards? Really? There have been numerous chess champions that have been driven mad over the game because of the amount of mental energy it takes to outwit opponents. The last time I checked, I haven't heard of any Tic-Tac-Toe world champions (obviously ghost believers) killing themselves over the intricacies of the game. That would probably be the most pathetic thing recorded in human history. Wait a minute. Is this what the government is trying to do? Are they trying to get homeless people to get so obsessed with the game, they end up killing each other or themselves? Is this modern social engineering? I guess it's kind of clever but they obviously picked the wrong board game. Haven't government officials ever seen people play Monopoly? Even with FAKE money people are ready to kill each other? "You motherfucker, where'd you get all that money to get them hotels. I tell you what, I'll pay you after I get my GO money." "Fuck your GO money and fuck you. You're out of the will. THE REAL WILL!" If they want to get rid of people, they need to change their board game selection.
(I know you're thinking, "But Marty, that board can be used for checkers too!" And to that I say, "If you're playing checkers in public do yourself a favor step into traffic or in front of a train. Or stop thinking about ghosts for long enough to learn how to play chess, idiot.")
P.S. Just because we sometimes see homeless people talking to thin air doesn't mean we should assume they believe in ghosts. It just means we should assume they are fucking crazy.
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