My Dear Brother.

I get the strangest reaction when I tell people I have a brother. It's usually a, "Really?!" as if it should be impossible that my mom could have made this mistake twice. But he's older, so don't blame her. She had no idea she was going to get the bad batch the second time around.

Most people are always curious as to what he's like. "Is he anything like you?!?!" It's hard for me not to ask, "What if he was? Would that be such a bad thing?" But of course I wouldn't be able to deal with those answers if they responded honestly. The way I usually describe him is this, "We're pretty different, but every sibling says thats. He's a cool guy, he's awesome at talking to people but probably in a completely different way than I am. He's a cop and has a family. I don't have anything worth bragging about [I guess I sometimes have nice teeth]. But we get along well, he's my best friend."

Yesterday he casually texted me that his daughter got into the gifted program at her school. It brought a smile to my face. I selfishly and arrogantly thought, "She must have gotten my brain gene" because I too went to "gifted" (or was it "special"?) school. He then told me to google "Logan Square Hit And Run." I ignored the text because I was at work and put it out of my mind until right before I went to bed. I googled it and found an article that described a tragic scene of a fatal hit and run. After reading the short article I began to wonder why my brother wanted me to read this. Then I realized the article said an "off-duty police officer" was responsible for the apprehension (never used that word in my life until right now) of the driver. I put two and two together (I'm "gifted" remember?) and figured it must have been him. A minute later I went to the Chicago Sun-Times website and saw this...

Selena Gomez was rushed to the hospital!!!

I laughed hysterically. "Looks like these 2 Mexicans haven't missed many meals." Yea, I can't say anything nice about anyone. As I read the article I began to feel a growing amount of astonishment and pride. Zack caught a guy that made a huge mistake and that is something to be praised. He reacted quickly and did something good. What a good human. I'm extremely proud of him. But that's not why I'm astonished and amazed, I've always known he was a good person. ZACK CHASED SOMEBODY AND CAUGHT HIM! You know what "chasing" somebody requires??? Running. Running quickly! The thought of Zack pulling his Deion Sanders moves and high-stepping down the alley to catch the perpetrator is what I'm really amazed by.

"As he gave chase, he noticed another man running past him with the same idea — Cuatchon." This is probably the greatest use of the word (yes it is a word, an adjective but soon to be a verb) "Cuatchon" ever. I mean I'm going to quote this when I win all of my Nobel's and Pulitzer's.

If the court system really wants to make Mr. Chavez (the driver) feel extremely horrible for his actions they should just show him the picture of the two dudes that caught him. I can imagine him sitting there, feeling terrible for his crime and for the way it ended. Sitting there thinking, "I got caught by these guys. That itself should be a crime. I deserve to be in here for a very long time."

"Yelling 'Stop! Police! Stop! Police!,' the officer chased the man, who had run into a dead-end alley."

Oh. I see. A dead-end alley. Well then.

C'mon Zambrano. Get it together.

Zack made it on the cover of the paper before I did. Asshole. But with all the fun aside, I'm extremely proud of the guy. Now when someone asks me what my brother is like, I'll smack them in the mouth with this newspaper and say, "Read it and weep. Bitch." And they'll finally know just how different Zack and Marty are.