The other day I got asked a question that I've been asked multiple times in the past. And if you haven't guessed what the question is by now, you're either a total idiot, or have a weird syndrome that makes you incapable of reading titles in which case you should go see a chiropractor and have that checked out. Do I wish I was black? Nope. If that blue genie from Aladdin (I can never remember if his name was Jimbo or Todd) appeared at my doorstep (I don't own a weird Egyptian-looking lamp and we all know the only thing I rub is...) and offered me 3 wishes, I can't say, "I wish to be black!" would crack the top 100 (thousand trillion). Now don't get me wrong, this decision would take me months to come to. Not because I'd have to think about it but because...when is the last time a BLUE person showed up at your door? I used to talk to psychologists because I was lonely and extremely bitter (amongst other things), could you imagine how many therapy sessions I'd need after seeing a fucking BLUE person? I guess it's not really a "person" because if that were the case I'd stay away from this triple-geek-threat.
No, I don't wish to be black. That's not to say I would hate being black. I'm sure I'd like it just fine. But let's put things into perspective. If I was black, Play Pretty wouldn't exist. I wouldn't exist. Marty would not exist. (If you are jumping up and down right now in excitement, you can go die immediately.) Let's face it. The reason I am the way I am is because of the collection of weirdness. The way I look. The shape of my body. My height. My eczema. The way people see me. Everything. It all adds up to ME. If this were an art exhibition it'd be called "A Collection of Weird: A Marty C. Retrospective." If I was black that would completely fuck up the system. You change one thing and who the hell knows what might happen? I might end up...who knows...getting "bitches." (I only use the term "bitches" here because a lot of black guys aka "rappers" use the phrase, not because I think women are dogs with vaginas.) There'd be a butterfly effect that would create a completely different person. I guess right now I'm making the assumption that people are asking me, "Do you wish you were born black?" Like if I started this whole shit-show they call "Life" off as a black guy. And No I don't wish I was born black. That would be weird. My mom is Mexican/Italian and my dad is Filipino. You think their marriage would have lasted this long if my mom shot out a black baby?
The other way to look at it is if I told the BLUE dude to turn me black, would I enjoy that? I wouldn't not enjoy it. Actually you know what. I wouldn't enjoy it. How the hell would I explain that to all of my friends (especially the racist ones)? Or my parents? And what would happen when I got tagged in Facebook pictures? It would just give people I barely know (ie Facebook friends and relatives) an excuse to send me emails or approach me when they see me in person instead of ignoring me like I do to them. They'd all have so many goddamn questions and I'd have to tell the story. How do you make that story sound cool?
"Uh well. Ya see. This BLUE guy came to my door."
"Yea uh huh. Go on."
"Aren't you at all curious as to what the BLUE guy looked like. I mean, no offense, but I don't think you or anyone you know has ever met a BLUE dude before."
"Whatever. Get on with it."
"Really? Not at all phased by the fact that BLUE dude just randomly showed up to my door."
"C'mon man. Entourage is on in like 15 minutes and I forgot to TiVo it and I have to go all the way uptown to watch it. Why are you black?"
"Well. He gave me 3 wishes."
"You used a wish on this?!"
"Well, yea. You know I always kind of wished I was...black." (It's in italics because it's whispered.)
"You wasted a fucking wish-"
Do you really think I'd want to go through that torture after somebody recognized me as "Marty, the guy that used to be kind of weird looking but somehow turned black overnight." Great. Yea. Sign me up for that shit. I'm not even black and it's already giving me 4 million new things to be insecure about. Either way you look at it. It wouldn't work. I'm fine being mixed. I'm fine with the fact that White people think I'm Asian. And Brown people think I'm some sort of Mexican thing. I'm perfectly alright with it. Well not "perfectly" but enough.
Plus if my first wish was to be black, it'd tie up my remaining wishes. Wish #2 would be, "A Bigger Ding Dong" because the one I have now would not make any kind of sense. #3 would be "To be adopted" because it would relieve my parents and trick people into thinking that I'm a little insecure asian/latino Black guy because I had a weird childhood.
But seriously. What would my three wishes be? That's easy.
Clothes.
Bank Rolls.
And Hoez.
The other way to look at it is if I told the BLUE dude to turn me black, would I enjoy that? I wouldn't not enjoy it. Actually you know what. I wouldn't enjoy it. How the hell would I explain that to all of my friends (especially the racist ones)? Or my parents? And what would happen when I got tagged in Facebook pictures? It would just give people I barely know (ie Facebook friends and relatives) an excuse to send me emails or approach me when they see me in person instead of ignoring me like I do to them. They'd all have so many goddamn questions and I'd have to tell the story. How do you make that story sound cool?
"Uh well. Ya see. This BLUE guy came to my door."
"Yea uh huh. Go on."
"Aren't you at all curious as to what the BLUE guy looked like. I mean, no offense, but I don't think you or anyone you know has ever met a BLUE dude before."
"Whatever. Get on with it."
"Really? Not at all phased by the fact that BLUE dude just randomly showed up to my door."
"C'mon man. Entourage is on in like 15 minutes and I forgot to TiVo it and I have to go all the way uptown to watch it. Why are you black?"
"Well. He gave me 3 wishes."
"You used a wish on this?!"
"Well, yea. You know I always kind of wished I was...black." (It's in italics because it's whispered.)
"You wasted a fucking wish-"
Do you really think I'd want to go through that torture after somebody recognized me as "Marty, the guy that used to be kind of weird looking but somehow turned black overnight." Great. Yea. Sign me up for that shit. I'm not even black and it's already giving me 4 million new things to be insecure about. Either way you look at it. It wouldn't work. I'm fine being mixed. I'm fine with the fact that White people think I'm Asian. And Brown people think I'm some sort of Mexican thing. I'm perfectly alright with it. Well not "perfectly" but enough.
Plus if my first wish was to be black, it'd tie up my remaining wishes. Wish #2 would be, "A Bigger Ding Dong" because the one I have now would not make any kind of sense. #3 would be "To be adopted" because it would relieve my parents and trick people into thinking that I'm a little insecure asian/latino Black guy because I had a weird childhood.
But seriously. What would my three wishes be? That's easy.
Clothes.
Bank Rolls.
And Hoez.
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