Orlando Bloom.

I am the biggest fan of judging people. I actually can't stand it when people claim, "Oh I never judge anyone." Give me a break. That makes as much sense as, "Never judge a book by its cover." So if there is a picture of a guy raping the tailpipe of his car (I guess it can't be rape if it's an inanimate object) on the cover of the book you're not going to judge it? No? Fine, give it a chance and read it. Let me know what you learn. (If the car is on does it feel better because it's warm?)

The other day two women came into the store I work at, looked at the above picture and said, "Oh. My. God. This is what Orlando Bloom is doing with his life?" They walked into the store, said this bullshit, and then left. They came into the store with the sole intention of trying to make their pathetic little lives seem somehow more important because Orlando Bloom decided to be in a clothing advertisement. If it was expressed in a way that had undertones of jealousy, I would have been more able to identify with them. Like. "OH MY GOD ORLANDO BLOOM IS DOING THIS WITH HIS LIFE?!?!?!?! FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! I BET HE GOT TO KEEP ALL THOSE FREE CLOTHES!!!" That's more like it. As I watched the women leave I kept wondering what these two idiots could possibly be doing that would make Orlando Bloom actually seem pathetic for getting paid a lot of money to be in an advertisement where he just has to stand there and let some guy take a few pictures. Nothing came to mind besides, "Maybe these women just came up for the cure for AIDS." And, "Maybe these women are the ones that invented 3-D television." Or, "Maybe these women figured out Clean Energy and they are on the fast track to making the entire world carbon neutral." HAHA! What a fucking joke. I think a better guess as to what these women are up to is this...

• Eating ice cream.
• Gossiping.
• Oprah.
• Going to the gym to read a magazine instead of focussing on working out.
• Standing in the mirror for an hour a day trying to figure out what angle would make them look less fat. (And taking pictures as test shots.)
• Hating their husbands who aren't anywhere near as good looking as Orlando Bloom and who probably cheated on them last week with a hooker they found in the "Clearance" section.
• Not reading books to their kids.
• Being Republicans.

Meanwhile, you know what Orlando Bloom is actually doing?

This...

Smashing on Miranda Kerr and looking cool as fuck doing it.