I love high school girls.

Lord knows I wasn't getting any Tang in high school. (College.) (Now.) I mean I wasn't all that interested in the very unexciting young "women" of Northside College Preparatory High School. At the time I was just as bitter as I am today and really living in my own little world (as I am today). I didn't place too much attention on getting any of that stanky stank on my hang-low. To be fair most of those things were hardly girls. Now I'm not saying there weren't any that made me feel weird in my private places (these days they're probably a little more "private" than I'd like). Trust me many trees were sacrificed to tame Marty's high school loneliness. Kleenex is made out of trees right? If so let's just say that if I ever make enough money I'll try my hardest to replant the Redwood forest that suffered heavy casualties because of my lack of a high school girlfriend (or a high speed internet connection).

As I approach 30, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have the luxury of dating a high school girl. I mean I never got the chance back when I was a teenager and I figured when I was visiting Chicago while on a college break, I'd use my newly acquired college pimp game and surely mack some young naive (tender) drunk girl. It never happened. I'm not sure if I'm any cooler now than I was at 16 or 17. I'm still the bitter old 67-year-old man I was when I was 9. So I was thinking maybe since I've shed some pounds and have a face that is a bit more mature, I'd finally have a chance with those cute upperclassmen. I mean I'd rather have a Senior but I'd settle for a Junior, not because I'm desperate but because I'm fairly confident that Marty Jr. will make those Juniors into Seniors.

Should I feel guilty about this? I mean I'm not trying to be creepy but when I see these high school girls on TV I find myself thinking, "Why can't I have one for my birthday?" or "Why am I not invited to these school dances?"

Let's take a look at the TV high schoolers:

Aimee Teegarden aka "Julie Taylor." Status: College (Kinda.) My opinion: Well we didn't have a football team at my high school so I don't have any reason to believe that dating the coach's daughter would be terrible. But then again what kind of football coach is going to let a pathetic little guy like me date a daughter that looks like that. Even if I can legally rent a car.

Adrianne Palicki aka "Tyra Collette." Status: College. My opinion: It was really hard for me to find a picture of this girl that wasn't ridiculous. Seriously. Google her. Be prepared to plant a Redwood for your red wood's uncontrollable desires.

Minka Kelly aka "Lyla Garrity." Status: College, most likely a Christian one. My opinion: Why am I looking at girls from Friday Night Lights that are no longer in high school? But when she was in (TV) high school I thought she was obnoxious but totally amazing looking. Super Christian girls intrigue me. On one hand they're Christian. On the other hand...they're Christian!

Jurnee Smollett aka "Jess Merriweather." Status: High School. My opinion: What the hell ethnicity is this girl? In high school I came up with one of my many life-phisophies. "I don't trust anyone as brown or browner than me." Well Jess, as long as we keep you out of the Southern states we should be just fine. Plus you don't want to be in the Southern states anyways, they hate brown people.

Madison Burge aka "Becky Sproles." Status: High School. My opinion: Will you marry me?

Oh yeah, you know why I have Senior-itis? Because all of these girls are actually in their 20's (or 30's). And they're all perfect looking. The girls I remember from high school wore those weird vagina-pee-ka-boo-low-rise jeans with no back pockets (thanks Britney Spears). I remember them being such liars. I remember them only caring about being popular and cool. I remember them all being kind of awkward/weird looking (except for you Chanel, why don't you go on and give Uncle Marty a call, I'll at least settle for a Poke on Facebook). I remember them being total fucking idiots. I remember them being total bitches. That's what I remember. You know what real-life high school girls? You can all suck my...