The Chicago Boys.

Last weekend I reverted to the old Marty. The one who used to go out and get smashed a bunch of days in a row and then completely hate himself afterwards. The Cool Marty. I fucking brought sexy back last week. Too bad I can't hold onto it.

Whenever someone comes to visit I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm always so busy pretending to be working, crying, and being bitter that I can rarely fit these guests into my schedule. (I don't pretend to cry. I do it. A lot.) I try not to have expectations but when this cast of characters comes to town I know shit is going to get perverted in a hurry. 

You should all be well familiar with Ryan. He's one of my oldest and best friends. And he amazes me every single time I see him.

The trip started off just as I expected it. The boys blacked out by 9pm, yelled at each other about how much they loved Chicago, embarrassed themselves in front of a hostel full of people, passed out by 10pm, and managed to remember none of it in the morning. And by "morning" I mean 3pm when they decided to get out of bed and convince themselves that they weren't at all ashamed. "You know what Marty, John and I decided we're not embarrassed at all," said Ryan. Good. I'm glad to see lying to yourself is still doing its job.

John is a good friend. He tells unbelievable stories. But one day I found him waiting outside my house in that suit. Ladies, get familiar.

After getting up at 3pm they took the train to Williamsburg where they decided to make a wrong turn and venture off into the heart of Hasidic Jew Land. Unfortunately (and fortunately) I wasn't with them to hear what they had to say about it. I'm sure it wasn't discriminatory and naive. And I'm absolutely sure they didn't talk about wizardry and furry hats. Not at all. 

Ryan's brother Derek. Didn't really hang out with him much before he came here. I remember why. Kinda kidding.

I met up with them and we ate dinner. John thought it would be a good idea to leave his phone number on our bill for the waitress who was easily 10 years older than him and not at all interested. Has this ever worked? In the history of meeting women has this ever worked? Actually. I'm sure it has. Because I'm sure male celebrities do it all the time and I'm sure it works every time. John may have John Travolta's suit on but he ain't no Travolta. Not with an ass like that. (The one so phat you can see it from the front.)

That night we went out and drank our weight in beer. Ryan danced with a tall girl. He will be talking about that night for the rest of his life.

The next day we met up at a place called Buffalo Cantina where the guy from Man vs. Food failed a wings challenge. Eat 12 unbelievably spicy wings in 3 minutes. Ryan ate 4 of them and cried. No. Seriously. He cried. He sobbed for a good amount of time then finished it off in the bathroom. Look at the picture of him. He's not smart.

To cheer him up we went to Central Park where we were constantly amused by all the weirdos. The coolest thing was an impromptu House music dance party. There were all kinds of strange people dancing to awesome House music so we decided to join in and Get Weird. After dancing for a bit we continued our journey through the park. Ryan then explained his latest stupidass idea (understatement) about how he thinks he has already died and is now trying to figure out if he's in Hell, Heaven, or Purgatory. I told him we were in New York City.

That night we went out and got wild. I don't have to go into details...

April, I know I owe you $100 for this. I'll pay you in minority scalps or whatever they use as currency in the South these days.

The best thing about their visit is that I know they appreciated every single one of their experiences. I always think people should travel as much as possible. It broadens the mind and allows you to be whoever you want, even if it's just for 4 days. Since I moved here, so many people have come to visit and its fun for me to watch them experience this circus in their own way. And it's kind of helped shape my opinion towards New York. Anything can happen here.


Ryan took a picture with a girl.


Come back soon guys. And. LET'S GET WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!