Oprah Gives Me The Chills.

What're you trying to say Oprah? Oh goddamnit. You're right. You don't gotta be so mean about it though. Jeez.

When was the last time Oprah was cold? Seriously. I can hear the sighs and the, "Who the fuck cares?"

I do.

Oprah is a billionaire. She has her own television show. She puts writers on the map just by pretending to read their books. She can be whatever weight she wants and somehow use it to her advantage (when fat: Big is beautiful! when kinda skinny: Healthy heart, healthy mind, healthy life!). All sorts of white people love her. And really that's all you need. To be successful in this world you need to be loved by white people.

I love Oprah. I'd marry her in a heartbeat. And not for her money (but she'd have to give me an allowance for doing the chores and pleasuring her, which is undoubtedly an unbelievable backbreaking chore) but because I think it'd be awesome to watch her live. I'm sure she gets whatever she wants whenever she wants and this makes me wonder if she simply skips some of the basic human experiences. "Diarrhea? Who needs it? Runny nose? Don't you have an assistant to wipe it? Ear ache? How can I have an ear ache when I only let people talk when I want to hear them? You think there are unexpected noises in my life? I'm fuckin' Oprah bitch. Recognize."

Does she get cold? I mean, if she wanted to be cold I'm sure she could make it happen. She can make pretty much anything happen (except fitting into a size...well any size below 20). I'm sure all of her homes are the perfect Oprah temperature (which is somewhere in between 74 degrees and heaven). I'm sure her private jet is the perfect Oprah temperature. Her offices. Her castles. Her bunkers. Her...everything. So when would Oprah be cold? When she's touring in a cold city? Limos are heated. She wears the finest furs that are lined with $100 bills, body armor, and white people love.

Oh wait. Nevermind. I bet Oprah gets cold when she drinks her milkshakes too fast. Sorry for wasting your time.

Do you think Oprah ever doesn't wipe good enough? I feel like I do it at least once a day. So when you see me just assume I'm saucy and uncomfortable down there. That's why I'm pissed off all the time.