Where's Waldo in 2012?

When I was growing up, Where's Waldo? was undoubtedly my favorite book. I would sit and stare at the books for hours. I still own every single one of them, a few Waldo posters, a couple of Waldo puzzles, and remember watching the TV show like it was yesterday. When I was young, my family got together to make an AIDS blanket for my cousin and to make it special we each made some sort of thing that best represented us or anything we remembered about him. I remembered him loving Waldo just as much as I did (or at least he pretended to) so I made a Waldo face out of felt and sewed it on.

Not a bad idea.

Looking back at Where's Waldo? I struggle to understand what the point of the books were. Were they supposed to motivate children to pay close attention to detail? Were they trying to make sure I'd always be alert and attentive? Or were the books supposed to teach me about all the monotony and craziness that goes along with people-watching (in illustrated form)? I guess they were probably just for fun and parents liked them because it kept their children occupied for a little while (in my case, weeks at a time) so they could go cheat on each other or beat siblings. My parents did neither and maybe that's why I'm confused.

Either way, who was this Waldo guy? He had a dog named Woof. A female friend named Wilma and her twin Wenda (I see you Waldo, is that why you walk with a cane? get in where you figgity fit in boy). He knew an unbelievably tragically named wizard named Wizard Whitebeard which is about as uncreative and boring as you can get. Why do wizards have such terrible names? Wizard of Oz. Well, c'mon man. Give yourself a real name. Like Dennis or Shamazz. Then there was Odlaw, his arch-nemesis, who really just looked like the Mexican Waldo.

In almost every picture Waldo was staring right at the reader. Why do we have to go and look for you Waldo? What were you about to do before I spotted your ass? Or what did you just get done doing? And why did you always have that weirdo smile? It kind of makes me wonder if Waldo was constantly doing something shady.

I think the next Waldo books should be for an adult audience. This time we could catch Waldo doing whatever creepy/weird shit he was into.

Where's Waldo?

• Jerking off to himself in the mirror.
• Sitting an uncomfortable amount of time on a bench at a packed playground.
• At a movie, continuously digging around the popcorn bucket that is covering his lap but never actually pulling out a piece of popcorn.
• In a dark alley that he knows young college girls cut through to get to their dorms.
• Walking Woof really slow past the same dog park waiting for one of the cute girls watching their dog to notice him.
• Jogging at a perfect speed to maintain 7 feet of distance directly behind a girl with a nice bumper.
• Waiting for the train and thinking, "I wonder how many shits that homeless guy takes a day."

I'm not sure where I was going with any of this. I'm starting to realize that the thing I wanted most was to give Waldo some sort of significance in the way his books shaped me. But all I ended up doing was turning him into some sort of pervert that does the same things I do. (I don't own a mirror, there are no alleys in New York, and I don't go to playgrounds.) I guess the only thing I can take away from Waldo after all these years is that I better hope no one is watching me closely. Because if they are, I'm fucked.