Hot? Who? Me?

I'm not sure if I've been hesitating to take the job hunt more seriously because I'm lazy or because I secretly love my current job. There are very few things I like in life. That should be obvious. But I do like little brown girls with big butts (duh) and I do like diversity. My job has a good amount of both. So when I do leave, I'll be sad to go. Not because I'll miss all of the condescending remarks from the managers or the shitty customers but because I'll miss talking to all of the different characters I work with.

The other day my co-worker, a very small, very Puerto Rican, very big butt'd girl called me "Hot." I mean I guess the quote was, "Marty you know you're hot." So I guess that's not directly saying, "Marty you are hot!" but I'll take what I can get. I replied with the 5 W's (Thank you 2nd grade!). "Who? What? Where? When? Why?" That's how confused I was. Me...hot? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Now you might think I'm playing stupid but I was seriously perplexed. I didn't understand it. For hours I stood around thinking, "What could she possibly be talking about? Do I have something on my face? A booger in my nose? Is my fly open? Oh my fly is open! Ha. Well that couldn't possibly be what she was talking about. No human's vision is that good to notice that thing. What is 'hot'? Maybe it's Spanish for 'piece of shit pervert loser hobo-fucker asshole-smooch.' Yea that's probably what it is. God I want Chipotle." Again, I'm not kidding. This is pretty much a perfect example of the way my mind works.

The past few days I've sat around thinking about how this experience is something completely new. (If you're struggling with the idea of an experience being completely "new" think of a white guy dancing with rhythm to his favorite song one time in his life. Think about how he would feel.) I have never been called "Hot" in my entire life. Not once. Not even as a joke. Is that pathetic? I don't really think so because I guess most people are as ugly or uglier than me and they too probably have never experienced this phenomena. Well actually they probably have because most people are delusional and have delusional friends who always say the "right" thing. I can't stand when I see a group of hogs in the fitting room at work saying, "Wow you look so hot in that." Yea you look HOT. It's all the sweat pouring down your face and the fact that I can smell you from over here. It's 47 degrees out! What the hell are you sweating for? AND WHY DO THEY MAKE TIGHTS IN XXXL???

Let's look at the facts. I call women (and occasionally men) "Hot" on the regular. I think everyone everywhere knows the Victoria's Secret models are Hot. So let's compare. I tried to take relatively normal pictures of these 3 ladies but they are hard to come by because no picture with these heavenly creatures is "normal" to avoid the argument, "Well everyone can look hot after Photoshop." Totally not true. Photoshop is not Jesus. It can't make miracles.

Bar Rafaeli. Hot.

Marty. Not.

Adriana Lima. Hot. And she's pregnant.

Marty. Not. And I'm not pregnant. Yet.

Alessandria Ambrosio. Hot.

Marty. Not.

So there you have it. I've just proved that I should never be called "Hot." Ever. I still feel weird about the whole thing. I mean does it eventually wear off? Do Hot people get used to it? Actually probably not because they get whatever they want. Man.

I want Chipotle.



Since I haven't been putting too much effort into this blog I've decided to treat you to an essay I wrote when I first moved to New York City and couldn't believe the amount of Hot people I saw. It's called "If I Looked Good" please tell me what you think. I'd love feedback. Unless it's negative. Then fuck you. You think you can do better? I'm Hot. What are you?

Oh yeah. Don't read this to your kids as a bedtime story. Actually, please do. Maybe they'll never stop dreaming.