Mother's Day.

There were so many "Happy Mother's Day" Facebook status updates today that I actually felt guilty that I considered waiting until tomorrow to call my mom and give her an update about how shitty my life has been. I mean it's "White People" shitty in that it's not really shitty at all but I have to make up problems just so I feel relevant. I mean if it was "Brown People" shitty I'd probably be rubbing my ball-sack (is ballsack hyphenated?) against the side of a tree (not in a perverted way, but in a pollinating way, how do you think new trees grow?) and drinking that Bumpy Face. But since calling your mom and telling her how much you appreciate her is what is expected, I made the phone call and...talked to my family.

My mother. My weird father. And that little girl is the baddest Puerto Rican in town. Always up to no good. It runs in the family.

Were all of those Facebook updates sincere? Shouldn't we show our parents respect everyday? I mean that's assuming we have good parents. And most of us don't. No seriously, most of our parents are totally fucking worthless. Mine aren't, that's why I'm not in the park fertilizing trees with my pecker or drinking Gin on a Sunday for no apparent reason. But let's look at the amount of assholes in the world. The greedy, worthless life ruiners that only think about themselves and contribute nothing to society besides headaches and more ignorant people. It's a vicious circle. Ignorance breeds ignorance. Do those mothers and fathers deserve a day? Probably not. Let's put some government money together and throw a big party for all of the fantastic mothers out there who raise their children to be respectful, hard-working, caring individuals who want to make the world a fun and better place. So maybe we should do some screening to see which moms actually deserve a day. If we did that, we'd probably only have to rent out a small banquet hall and get some Domino's (or do moms prefer Pizza Hut) pizzas to cover the "worthy" moms nationwide.

If your mother is loving and pleasant like my mom is, then by all means go out and scream "Happy Mother's Day!" as loud as you can. And if your mom doesn't deserve the "Greatest Mom In The World" plaque, respect her and treat her well anyways. And even if your mom totally sucks, wish her a "Happy Mother's Day!" and mean it, maybe she'll turn things around. Just make sure that if you are ever a mother (or father) that you deserve that day. Make sure the world would be a worse place if you were gone. Trust me, we have enough shitty mothers and fathers out there. We could use a few more great ones. I'm lucky enough to have both. I hope you are too.