Damn.

Take a look at my passport picture.

Yea that's me. Long flowing hair. Every woman's dream. I finally managed to get someone to check the safe at the bar I was at the night I lost my passport. I thought it was a long shot but by some strange stroke of luck it was there. Both my passport and my "idea" book (I really need to think of a new name for that) were sitting there safely. Remember when I said I had some "gems" in my "idea" book? Well. Here are a few. (They are in italics. My present thoughts about these "gems" are in bold.)

• "You never really know someone until you digest their farts." That is the first thing written in the notebook.
• "There comes a point in every short man's life where you just need to face the facts. Too. Small. To. Rape." Yep. That sounds about right.
• "If Groupon offered a deal for cheap doctor's appointments what the hell would the line look like?" My guess? Fat. Brown. And Hilarious. Like Cedric The Entertainer.
• "List of things I could change to get more girls. 1) Body. 2) Money. 3) Penis?"
• "You'll never guess what happened!" That's right I'll never guess because I don't give a flying fuck.
• "This thing stopped the Cold War! - (my ass)" I have no idea what this means or why I wrote it down.
• "I let two girls sit down in one of those double seats on the train. They both stared at me for the rest of the ride. One was hot. The other was fat AND Asian. What would I do if I saw a "Missed Connection" that was obviously about me in this scenario if the description of the girl was really vague?" Sit around and think about it for years. And probably abuse myself to my mental picture of the hot one.
• "Why do fat/pale white girls who are into shitty "metal" (System Of A Down, Papa Roach) and wrapping their sweaters around their waists always end up dating short fat Mexican guys that are obviously into death metal (and nachos)?" Hmm. I wonder if I'll ever get desperate enough to try and pass off as a full-on Mexican to try and tap that lonely fat/angry white girl department. This is my LAST RESORT!
• "Free Courtney Tapper shirts." Pictured below.

• "He is so manly he probably has 2 penises. And one of them is probably connected to a female family member of mine." I hope this is in reference to this unbelievably manly Army dude I saw and not the bum who pissed himself on the train.

As you can see, I might need to give up on these dreams to "work in comedy." Who would ever pay me money to come up with this horseshit?