Straight Huggin' It.

What once started as a joke in high school has lead to something very serious. Don't Touch Me. In high school I remember being confused when guys gave girls hugs for no apparent reason at all. Well I wasn't naive, I did understand that the apparent reason was to rub mid-pubescent privates on the stomachs (chins if the girls were short) of fully developed girls. It just wasn't my style. So before long when somebody would even pat me on the back I'd stop mid-sentence and say, "Wait. What was that? What just happened?" And they would almost always reply, "What? What happened? What do you mean?" I'd make a big deal out of it. "Did you just touch me? What just happened there? That shit is going to cost you. Who do you think you are? You think you have the privilege to go around touching any part of my body with any part of your body?" Of course the Toucher would become confused and nervous at which point I'd laugh and say I was kidding. Well, I'm all grown up now. And now I'm serious. Don't Touch Me.

Since I'm back in high school (my job is High School 2.0) and meeting new people every day, I've once again experienced Touching. (Lord knows not a single soul was trying to Touch me in my College Years. Ladies I'm talking to you. But not really, because I know you don't read this.) Once again I see guys offering up hugs like it's still in style (is it?) and I'm still puzzled. Not because I don't know the intentions but because the girls are comfortable with it. Ladies, THEY ARE TRYING TO RUB THEIR PEEPEEz ON YOUR TORSO!

What's different now is that some girls (obviously the ones that aren't right in the head) are coming at me with their arms extended. I have no idea how to respond. Not only have I not experienced being called "Hot" before but I've also never been offered hugs from strangers. OK. That might be a lie. I've hugged a homeless dude once (a few times). But it's not the same. They weren't trying to rub their privates on my chest (or chin, I'm short) and I wasn't trying to rub mine on them (except for that one time). So what do I do when these girls come at me like freight trains? I hug them. It might be the most awkward, fidgety hug they've ever experienced but I haven't really gotten any complaints. But then again I'm not allowed to read the suggestions in the Suggestion Box. I can see it now, "Why does the little weird looking guy gyrate his hips when he hugs then walk away hunched over with his ass sticking out? Inappropriate! Next time I'll be sure to ask someone else what the return policy is."

So you see I'm already lost. What made things even more confusing was the fact that a dude came towards me with outstretched arms the other day and I totally freaked out. I mean nobody ever has a crush on me but I would bet what little money I have that this dude has a crush on me. Why would I want to hug a dude I barely know? I have a hard enough time hugging hot girls that for some totally fucking crazy reason want to hug me. So what did I do in that situation? I gave him the Brown Girl 4-Snap and screamed. Let me show you what I mean.

This is a reenactment of what I saw. Oh yeah, I should mention the dude wears heels...

This was how I initially responded.

And here starts the Brown Girl 4-snap. It works in every situation. 1) "No."

2) "No."

3) "No."

4) "No. Girl, who do you think you're rollin' up on?!"

Make sure you say "No" as you snap. It's more dramatic. Oh yeah, use your best "Jenny From The Block" accent.

If you were paying attention you would have noticed that the dude came up to me with closed fists. I thought only high school girls who had crushes on you and wanted your privates to give them a tummy (or chin if they're short) massage went in for a hug with twisted closed fists. I mean it's never happened to me but I'm an observant guy. I've been (unsuccessfully) researching women the past 20 years and the closed fists is theirs. I have never seen a man approach anybody with closed fists unless they're trying to whoop that ass. Was I wrong to respond the way I did? Now the dude won't look at me. Should I care? Do I need more dudes in my life? Of course not.

I need more little brown girls with big butts in my life. I thought I told ya.