It's That Time Of The Year.

As many people are flying home to spend time with their families, I've been pondering what I should do for Christmas. I have the apartment to myself for the next week or so and instead of devoting all of my time to being a complete weirdo, I've decided to attempt to do something new and noble. My original plan was to volunteer on Christmas day. I thought I'd be able to serve food to my homeless friends or spend time with the elderly. Then I realized that the Bulls are playing the Knicks at the Garden and decided that my stinky homeless friends and the elderly can let the guilty white people help them out. The only bums I'm going to be around are the ones wearing royal blue and orange that my man D-Rose is going to be shitting on.

But that isn't enough. I've gone through a list of people who are very important to me and wondered if any of them were in my position and if so, what they plan on doing for the holidays. This made me think of one very influential person that has had a really profound effect on my life: Ja Rule. Mr. Rule was sentenced to two years in prison for a gun charge a couple of weeks ago and it doesn't look like he is going to be spending time with his family (Ashanti, J. Lo, Charlie Baltimore, all the big-booby video hoz, etc.). Poor guy. So since both Ja and I can't be with our families this year. I decided I would spend some quality time with him while I'm sitting around trying really hard not to do terrible things to myself in my empty apartment.

So I've spent time looking at pictures of Ja Rule and listening to his music (2 songs) trying to figure out where he took a wrong turn.

On the 17th day of Christmas my true love gave to me. 17 (out of 41) shirtless Ja Rule pictures. I'd keep counting certain things (2 smiles, 2 Jerry Curls, 1 AK, 1 Female, a shitload of "I'm real, for real." pics) but a blind man could tell what is Ja Rule's problem: He doesn't have any friends. There are 3 pictures of him with other people (that 50 Cent diss picture doesn't count and is about as lame as can be). Is it because he never has a shirt on? Or is it because he has that stupid ass look on his face? Or is it because he has a weird pre-pubescent mustache thing going on? Ja help me make sense out of all of this!

I can do all of Ashanti's neck swivels.

DMX and Ja on the same song? Gives me a sore throat just thinking about it. Guess what? They're both in prison and they both like not wearing shirts and they both sound ridiculous. I hope both of their Facebook profiles say: Looking For: Friendship. But I'm sure it says: Looking For: Big Booty Bitchez. I don't blame 'em.