Missed Connections.

OK. Let me explain. First of all, yes this is definitely me. I was out the other night watching the Lebron vs. Cavs game and I stumbled into a conversation with a couple standing in front of me. (More like forced myself into a conversation.) Either way, we shared some laughs, had a few drinks, and I was on my way. The beginning of a very fun night.

But that is besides the point. What this missed connection really revealed to me was this: Kevin Butler is a fucking genius. (Kevin Butler was the kicker for the 1985 Super Bowl Champions Chicago Bears.) Mr. Butler is an annual guest at the "Invitational" at the country club I worked at for more than ten years. I actually ran into him before the tournament this past summer and made small talk to him about the weather (the only thing I really know how to talk about). I didn't caddie in his group but a few members of my caddie-family (yea I said it) had the luxury of spending the entire tournament listening to Mr. Butler's war stories. Apparently he's writing a book titled "From Butler to Cutler" which consists of the Bears' progression throughout the last 25 years and everyone who has worn #6. A caddie brother of mine asked Mr. Butler if he found out anything interesting about Jay Cutler while doing research for his book. Alright, now I don't want to go into too many more details about the conversation because I don't want to misquote anyone. (It's amazing I have this fear that Kevin Butler is sitting around in his underwear somewhere in the South reading "Play Pretty" and plotting an attack against me. But I really do fear that it could be happening.) Basically, Mr. Butler, very matter-of-factly, said that Jay Cutler wraps his mouth around a certain male body part on a regular basis. Now the question everyone asks, "How would he know this?" Let me just say that Mr. Butler was very adamant when he said, "Trust me!" (Which also makes everyone wonder if "From Butler to Cutler" is really the title of a new adult movie coming out.)

Butthead can kick the shit out of a football. And he can also give me something to talk about with strangers. He's the complete package.

I'm not really sure I believe the whole "Kevin 'B. Jay' Cutler conspiracy" (copyrighted). I like to think the story is completely untrue. I would be ecstatic if this whole thing was just a really really really funny and creative way for Kevin Butler to embarrass Jay Cutler without committing "slander" but also to promote his book. Think about how many people have heard this story and then told a friend. This thing has gone viral! On average, I tell 10 new people every single week about Butler's Cutler story. Look! There is a missed connection about me telling Butler's Cutler story. Think about how many people that work at the country club have told this story to friends/family/strangers. Thousands. Now think about how many golf outings Kevin Butler attends in a single year. What if every weird sports rumor was started by Kevin Butler? Does he come up with a new rumor every single time? How long as he been at this? Where did those rumors about Michael Jordan's gambling problem being the cause of his father's murder start? At a golf outing? Maybe a celebrity golf outing with all of Chicago's hero athletes? Where did all of the Tiger Woods rumors begin? KEVIN BUTLER WHERE WERE YOU THE DAY TIGER WOODS' LIFE WAS RUINED?! I bet you were at a golf outing.

Here's Jay really looking like a lesbian. I don't think that thought bubble should have $ signs. I think it would be a lot more accurate if it had something else.

I studied Advertising in college and I never came across anything so creative. This is easily the best way to carry out your own personal vendettas. I love you Kevin Butler. But not the way Cutler loves. I'm not passing out any sort of "Jobs" with my face anytime soon. Believe that.

Don't you spend enough time on your knees off the field? This is almost too easy.

Oh yea. What was I doing looking at missed connections? Well I hit on a girl from LA for over an hour yesterday at my job and when I was all drunk and lonely last night I decided to search for "Marty" in the craigslist search box. Just to see if maybe she posted something about me. She didn't. You judging me? You think I'm pathetic? Yea...so do I.

P.S. After much thought, I'm going to respond to this ad. But only in the most ridiculous of ways.