I just recently watched Oprah sob over lesbian accusations and I couldn't help but wonder: Is this all part of the plan? Oprah's life story is unbelievably interesting. Almost too interesting. Poor girl from the South born to a teenage mother, gets violated and then goes on to become the richest African-American of the 20th century and at one point the world's only black billionaire. (Thank You Wikipedia!) I think her true secrets are really known by the people she has stepped all over. If you look at the list of black billionaires, Bob Johnson (founder of BET), who first occupied the Black Billionaire Throne (which should be the name The BET Awards' "Best Rapper of The Year") mysteriously disappears off of the list. They say he's worth a half a billion boneskis these days. I'm sure he'd have some really insightful and interesting stories to share about Oprah. ("NIGGA! You CRAZY?")
Although I think Oprah is a complete mystery I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she is sincere when she's offering advice to everyone and anyone. Maybe when she cries it's not a marketing strategy. Maybe she really does love everyone and everything as much as she says she does. Maybe she really had a boyfriend named Stedman and a friend named Gail. Those mysteries aren't my concern. My only Oprah concern: How much can she eat?
Even Uncle Marty thinks this is kinda creepy.
Seriously. I have so many questions about Oprah's eating habits. Is she secretive? Does she take out a bunch of her friends whenever she dines out and then orders a bunch of appetizers and side dishes so that "everyone can share" but then hogs them all? Or does she eat alone making sure everyone in the restaurant is left in the dark about what she orders? Are busboys counting the dishes coming out of her private feasting room? Are the dishes licked clean with big Oprah lipstick outlined bite marks carved out of them? HOW MANY WHITE CASTLE SLIDERS CAN SHE EAT?!?!
For some reason I was reminded of this scene from Matilda. It's one of my favorite scenes of all time, the only thing missing is the end where the disciplinarian smashes the dish over the little tubby's head.
Or are we being duped? Are her weight issues also all part of the plan? Does she purposely struggle with her weight so she can better identify with lonely, sad women (and gay men)? I wouldn't be surprised if this really was the case but I don't believe Oprah would go through such a headache. She's already convinced white women she is their leader because white women love to root for the underdog (and they love free shit). And she's convinced black women she is their leader because she's succeeded in a white man's world. Not only succeeded, but straight pimped it. So Michelle Obama and any triflin' ass bitch standing in the way of Oprah (that includes you BET Bob Johnson):
You blocking the buffet line?
What is an Oprah dump like? Are they huge? Does she have to flush multiple times? Does the toilet water look like Goldschlager after she flushes? Think about it.
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