Allergies.

One of the biggest pains in the ass when going to the doctor's office is all of the pre-exam questions the nurse asks you before the doctor makes up some advice and prescribes the latest drug the pharmaceutical company is getting them to push. I hate it. However the one question I do enjoy is, "Do you have any allergies?" Not because the question has some special place in my heart but because I always end up laughing at the thought of all of the weaklings that have to give a detailed description of all the foods they can't eat and trees they can't molest. For that brief moment of life I feel like a strong human that is full of life and energy. Spoiler alert: I'm not. Instead I have a sensitive stomach, eczema, and a massive amount of self-doubt (and this really weird inner thigh rash). Seriously, after a round of Chipotle I head straight to the store to buy toilet paper and I call off work 24 hours in advance. That's vigilance!

The past few days I've been sneezing, coughing, and complaining. Well the last 26 years I've been complaining but the sneezing and coughing is brand new. At first I thought it was because I was sick. I tend to get sick when the seasons change (another example of how weak I am). But I noticed that I didn't feel sick. I just had the bullshit annoying symptoms. So in the past 24 hours I've convinced myself that I've grown allergies. How the hell does that happen? I go 26 years telling the doctor to Suck It when asked that stupid ass allergy question and all of a sudden I'm one of the people that I used to make fun of not long ago. How do you grow allergies 26 years into this miserable existence? And why does it have to be allergies? Why can't it be something positive? Like a cooler looking Ding Dong or a few feet of height. Does anyone ever wake up with a healthier-looking set of balls and say, "Thank God for puberty the 2nd!"? I bet not.

The only thing I can come up with for this sudden growth of allergies is my move to New York. Since there aren't any trees in this shitshow I can't imagine I'm allergic to any new wildlife. So I spent all day trying to figure out what change is causing these allergies. Homeless people? Nope Chicago has tons. Garbage everywhere? Well Chicago is a lot cleaner but we have our share of garbage. Pizza? This pizza is horseshit but it's edible. Reggaeton? Can't be, the Puerto Ricans in Humboldt Park love that shit. Oh wait. I figured it out. What sort of bullshit is there in New York that we don't really see in Chicago? Yea. You already guessed it. Dominicans. I should have known. Dominicans: The Puerto Ricans of New York.





I often wonder if pretty girls answer the, "Are you allergic to anything?" question with, "Yes. Little insecure multiracial bitter men. And...the name Marty."