Yesterday at work a customer prefaced his shopping question with, "Hello, Happy Easter! Can you..." I stopped him mid-question and replied, "Yeah whatever." His face changed from Easter Egg Yellow (he was Asian) to Easter Egg Pink instantaneously, obviously offended by my response. He asked, "Not a big Easter fan?" I replied, "I just don't celebrate any of that nonsense. And honestly I think some people would be offended. And they should be." Now don't get me wrong, I knew who I was dealing with. He was very obviously one of those guys that no matter what I would say to him he would apologize and listen to me and then go home and pray for me and my soul. (Should be praying for my baby-making life.) So I wasn't hesitant to respond and I wasn't trying to be malicious. We carried on and I helped him with his Easter shopping dilemma (what better way to celebrate Jesus waking up from an epic nap than buying a bullshit suit that's made in China) and everything was fine.
But seriously. Why do people just go around assuming that everyone else is Christian and believes in fairytales? If you celebrate these holidays, that's cool. Keep that shit to yourself. If you don't think it's a bullshit assumption then you're an idiot. How is it any different than going up to any Asian person you meet to ask, "Where do you think I could get some good Chinese food around here?" Or a black person, "Where can I get some good fried chicken and Jordan's around here?" Or a white person, "Where is the nearest Whole Foods?" Or a Puerto Rican/Dominican, "Where da big butt'd bitches at?" (In Spanish of course, and they'd actually probably know. Actually all of these groups of people would probably be able to answer these questions.)
Sure I was being an asshole by giving the guy a hard time. But I think more people should. Don't assume that people give a shit about your beliefs. I'm not saying don't assume, shit, I assume all the time. I assume that everyone is an asshole. A selfish, lazy, piece of shit, good for nothing waste of space. (Which reminds me...I need to update my resume. And the "About Me" on Facebook.) But do I think people actually care what I think of them? Not for a second. If they did take my thoughts to heart, do you think they would be so willing to wish people a "Happy Easter"?
I should point out that I'm not offended at all by being wished a "Happy Easter." I don't really give a shit. But I do love making people squirm. And I don't really care for Easter. A magical bunny drops off multi-colored eggs (almost said "colored" eggs which would have been racist) for all the kids to enjoy. What's so special about that? Is Jesus supposed to be the bunny? I don't get it. Bunnies are super fertile. Is it because Jesus liked loose women? Is that offensive? Remember Mary Magdalene? She was the first person to see Jesus when he rose from the [nap]. (No seriously, the guy listens to degenerates' nonstop bitching and has to carry some big ass hunk of wood all throughout the town and up a hill and people are surprised that he slept for like 3 days? I sleep for 3 days when I masturbate twice in the same day. So in comparison, Jesus is a much stronger person.) Why eggs? Are we comparing GOD'S RESURRECTION to an egg hatching? I guess I have to respect the creativity but that shit is ridiculously unimpressive. A bunny passing out eggs. What foolery.
Unless it was the Playboy bunnies. Then that shit would just be the most Heavenly Breakfast In Bed.
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