Awkward Hobos.

I know I talk about the homeless a lot and if you're bored with it stop reading. But I really do have a special relationship with them. It might be because I speak to them as if they are humans (they are humans right?) and I am genuinely intrigued by them. After all they weren't always that way. At one point they were children riding bikes with their friends or getting excited for an ice cream cone. At least I'd like to think so.

If you've ever been to New York you know that the trains are the most rewarding places to people watch. Today there were two homeless dudes on the same car, my car, dueling for everyone's spare pennies and nickels. One of the gentlemen was playing a song on his acoustic guitar singing, "HEY OH!" over and over again in different keys. The other guy was far less creative and stood on one side of the car yelling, "I'm homeless! Please help me!" which was pretty entertaining but kind of depressing when I began to think it was a glimpse into my own future (I don't know how to play the guitar or sing). For some reason the singer/songwriter switched cars, intimidated and fed up. (Of course I was happy! C'mon buddy we got enough "songwriters" in these parts. Get real.) As the yelling homeless guy continuously asked people for change I began to fish around my pockets to see if I had anything to give him. I found 16 cents. Now this is a dilemma I've put hundreds maybe even thousands of Thought Hours into and still haven't worked out. I had a dime, a nickel, and a penny. No quarters. Now usually I would just keep this because for some reason I think it's a bit rude to give a homeless person such a pathetic amount. If you have a quarter then you're good because it's a quarter, everyone picks up a quarter when they see one on the ground. Actually WWJ-ZD? (What would Jigga Man do?) Would he bend down to pick up a quarter? Probably not. He'd probably have Memphis Bleek pick it up for him. (Kudos if you know what I'm talking about.) Anyways. The homeless gentleman spotted me digging around in my pockets so I had no choice but to give him the change. Let me tell you, the cup is essential. When a homeless guy has a cup you can just toss your change in. The amount is completely irrelevant because it just gets lost with everyone else's pathetic attempt to feel better about themselves for giving someone in great need some (not enough) change. But when he doesn't have a cup it's a completely different story. Just the idea of handing someone 16 cents makes me cringe. Maybe a hundred years ago you could feel great about really helping someone out for such a generous offering. Actually I bet 16 cents could buy something that would make you feel really great. HJ. BJ. You pick. But nowadays handing someone 16 cents is like saying, "Here. You still can't buy shit. Actually. You can't even pay tax on most shit. You can barely pay the tax on something that cost a dollar. Bitch." The goal is to hand a homeless person money only when it's a dollar amount. Then it's like, "Pop bottlez motherfucker!" I handed the homeless gentleman 16 cents and looked away, embarrassed. He cupped it in his hand and made his way farther down the train but still close enough for me to avoid eye contact. That was when he went back into speech mode and said, "Please help me! I'm homeless! I need your help! This young gentleman over here gave me...10...15...16 cents..." I blacked out after this. I couldn't believe it. I could hear the hurt in his voice. This guy probably spends the better part of his day finding a good alley to poop into a sewer in peace and that's if he's not pooping his pants on a bench in front of a group of people who are out enjoying the weather or a walk to settle their stomachs after a nice big meal. And I gave him 16 fucking cents. Oh the hurt in his voice! 16 fucking cents. WWJD? Probably something badass like cocktails, a Segway, and a model chick. I sat there stunned and embarrassed. I could feel eyes piercing my overpriced tie and pointless pocket square.

As I sat there contemplating the event, the homeless gentleman carried on with his speech. I completely avoided everything about him at this point. I figured that it might be a good experience to write down so I pulled out my notebook which is located in my back left pocket. What do you think happened? Of course the homeless gentleman thought I was pulling out my wallet to makeup for my pathetic attempt to buy him a life (he doesn't know when his birthday is, why would he want to remember something as depressing as that?) present. But of course I wasn't. He stared at my little orange notebook. As his eyes moved up to meet mine, I went through every possible thing I could say to make the situation better. But what is there to say to right this situation? Nothing. Well probably a lot of things. But I didn't say anything. He look devastated. And I'm sure I did as well.

I just can't win.






Oh yeah...

Man I just looked up the word "Kudos" and I am completely shocked at what I found. OK you have every right to think I'm a stupid motherfucker for this. I deserve it. I always hear the expression "Kudos to you..." and this is exactly what comes to mind. A person handing another person (usually a smaller, much less intelligent person) a delicious-looking small chocolate candy bar. Josh is telling me that "Kudos to you" isn't even correct. You're just supposed to say "Kudos." I didn't know Kudos was an actual "English word meaning acclaim or praise for exceptional achievement." My mental image is so fucking stupid and can be kind of perverse. "Kudos for not listening to your parents when they told you to not take candy from strangers. Here's a delicious candy bar and a carton of milk to wash it down. Take a good look at that carton of milk because your picture is going to be on it in a few short weeks." Man, I'm an idiot.

I bet Jesus and Jay-Z would have given that homeless dude a Kudos and he would have shit his pants...in excitement of course. And because he probably hasn't had solid food in months. Pop bottlez bitchez!