In Da Club.

I rolled to the club with a bunch of co-workers on Saturday night to unwind and see how these people party. It was not at all the way 50 Cent described it in his smash hit "In Da Club." Let's compare.

50 Cent says:
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub'
Look mami I got the X if you into takin drugs
I'm into havin sex, I ain't into makin love
So come gimme a hug, if you're into gettin rubbed

Marty says:
I don't have a bottle full of anything. Maybe Pepto (that pink shit) but honestly that shit is far from full.
If you're into taking drugs that's cool. Just come talk to me when you can't make decisions anymore and you're ready to leave.
I'm into having sex. If you're like every other girl you're probably into having it too, just not with me, or anyone around me.
Yeah come give me a hug because if that's the closest I'm going to get to touching private parts. I'll take it.

50 Cent says:
When I pull up out front, you see the Benz on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it's 20 knives in the club
Niggaz heard I fuck with Dre, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like Eminem, and the hoes, they wanna fuck
But homie ain't nuttin changed hoes down, G's up
I see Xzibit in the cut - hey nigga roll that weed up
If you watch how I move you'll mistake me for a player or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but I don't walk wit a limp (I'm aight)
In the hood, in L.A. they sayin "50 you hot"
They like me, I want them to love me like they love 'Pac
But holla in New York them niggaz'll tell ya I'm loco
And the plan is to put the rap game in a choke hold
I'm fully focused man, my money on my mind
Got a mill' out the deal and I'm still on the grind
Now shawty said she feelin my style, she feelin my flow
Her girlfriend willin to get bi and they ready to go (o-kay!)

Marty says:
I don't have a car therefore I can't "pull up" out front.
I don't even know 20 people. If I was rolling 20 deep, 19 would be dudes, 14 of them would be dickheads, and at least 4 would be homeless.
No one is showing me love. Besides the 4 homeless dudes. (Shout out to Keith, RayRay, Jimmy, and Heavy Bones! Or is it Heavy Bonez with a "Z"? I can never remember.)
I went to an Eminem concert once. I got kicked in the face and my glasses broke. Couldn't see the rest of the show.
G's up, hoes down. Unless "hoes" want to come hang out. Then fuck you guys.
Xzibit was at that Eminem show too. His music felt like a kick in the face.
You might mistake me for A) Gilbert Gottfried B) A pre-pubescent Asian girl. C) That dude from the most recent sex-offender list.
I actually do walk with a limp these days. I really screwed up my knee jogging. Not jogging from "shells" or police. But because jogging will supposedly make me less self-conscious about my body. It's not working.
Next.
I just want them to NOTICE me. We'll work on the "like" part later.
In New York, they'll most likely tell you I'm annoying.
I got this comedy game in a choke hold.
My $46 on my mind. Balling on a budget.
I got a bunch of anxiety. Not because I have to worry about a "mill" but because I'm 26, working retail, and blogging.
Actually New York Magazine was feeling my style but they must not have been feeling my flow because they never called me back.
If girls ever got bi for me. I wouldn't live to see it. I'd have a heart attack on the way to our designated location: behind the dumpster. I mean seriously if there were 2 girls willing to do weird stuff with me at the same time, they'd have to be crazy/stupid and crazy stupid, the world would have to be ending in 14 minutes, and very familiar with the hiding spaces behind dumpsters.

50 Cent says:
My flow, my show brought me the dough
That bought me all my fancy things
My crib, my cars, my pools, my jewels
Look nigga I done came up, and I ain't changed

Marty says:
I seriously don't have any of those things. I got rats and eczema, does that make anyone's panties melt?

50 Cent says:
And you should love it, way more then you hate it
Nigga you mad? I thought that you'd be happy I made it
I'm that cat by the bar toastin to the good life
You that faggot-ass nigga tryin to pull me back right?
When my joint get to pumpin in the club it's on
I wink my eye at ya bitch, if she smiles she gone
If the roof on fire, let the motherfucker burn
If you talkin about money homie, I ain't concerned
I'ma tell you what Banks told me cause go 'head switch the style up
If the niggaz hate then let 'em hate then watch the money pile up
Or we go upside your head wit a bottle of bub'
They know where we fuckin be

Marty says:
YOU SHOULD LOVE IT WAY MORE THAN YOU HATE IT! But you really fucking hate it? Why? I'm an alright guy.
I'm mad that you're mad because I haven't made shit so you have nothing to be mad about.
I'm the thing by the bar avoiding eye contact and holding back diarrhea.
Stop picking on me.
Don't have any "joints" but I wish i did.
I wink my eye at your bitch, she doesn't really smile, it's more like a maniacal laugh. And yep she's gone. Gone upstairs to get the hell away from me.
Yea let the roof burn. End this misery.
I'm only concerned about my money.
Next.
Hey I hate with the best of them and I don't see any money piling up.
I don't want to fight. I'm 5'6" and 140 pounds. Feel sorry for me please.
You know where I fucking be...

I'm in the bathroom stealing all of your motherfucking toilet paper rolls!!!! BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clothes, Toilet Rollz, and Hoez.