Dan Haines.
This is almost impossible. Any attempt to explain who Dan Haines is in a concise and meaningful way is going to come up extremely short and will definitely fail to capture his different outlook on life. I met Dan years ago at Ridgemoor Country Club. We've spent many hot summers complaining about rich people and laughing at all of the absurdities that come with waiting for hours on end for something you don't really want to do to begin with. As we've gotten older I've started to really appreciate his fresh creativity and hilarious insight. But for everything I appreciate about Dan, there are some people who simply don't get it. They are puzzled by his odd assumptions and discredit his opinions. Those people are idiots. "Screams from the haters got a nice ring to it. Every superhero needs his theme music." In some ways I think he's a genius because he's one of the few people that I've met that never fails to surprise me. So I thought it would be a really good idea to get Dan to come up with 5 captions every week for The New Yorker's caption contest.
To give you an idea of the way Dan's mind works I'll share with you a small window into his genius. At Ridgemoor one hot summer day Dan leaned over to a group of us who were watching rich people have way better lives than us and asked, "Man. Have you ever noticed how little his shadow is?!" A little shadow? No, I hadn't. And I probably never will. But I am so goddamn glad Dan did.
"She is a sleeping beauty." -D. Haines
Oh, stop it.
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