iPhone Apps.

I've been considering getting an iPhone for a little minute. Since moving to New York, I've convinced myself that it would definitely enhance my experience. What if I would have had an iPhone the time I saw a brother dressed like a Samurai from head to toe eating a slice of vegetarian pizza? (I know this because I followed him. Don't judge. When's the last time you saw a real-life Samurai? Especially one with so much soul?) Or what if I would have had an iPhone the time I saw that 15 year-old Hasidic Jew's penis? (Don't ask. The image is forever burned into my brain. If you really want to know, I'll share the story at some point.) So I guess I pretty much only want the iPhone for its camera, although I'm not sure what a picture of a 15 year-old's penis would get me besides a prison sentence.

Today I was trying to think of other iPhone features that would help or enrich my life. I looked up apps and questioned if any of them would actually be beneficial. Would I really be the chach at the party that whips out their phone to open up the Shazam app that identifies songs being played? A review of Shazam says "There’s nothing worse than when you’re at a party, you meet the perfect hottie and this awesome song is playing, except you have no idea what it is. How the heck are you going to impress her later by playing the song you heard when you met if you don’t know what it was?" Yea, I agree there is nothing worse. Oh wait. There is something worse. How about that hottie resting her drink on you because she mistook you for a bookshelf or some other inanimate object? That has to be worse. Anyways, almost every single app seemed to be the exclamation point to, "I am [fuckin'] privileged!"

Now I'm debating if I actually need an iPhone. Of course I don't. But what hypothetical iPhone app would considerably enhance my experience and enrich my life? If you read this regularly (Hi Ma!) then you're probably saying, "An app that would find Marty a girlfriend!" And to that I say, "Go figgity fuck yourself." (Not you Ma!) Plus that app doesn't exist right? Does it? Seriously, if you know anything about an app that can make this happen please email me (upper right corner of this page). I guess an app that would write a bunch of fake comments on my blog posts to make me feel better about myself would "enrich" my life but I like to think that people never comment because people who read this are too good for commenting and "Yelp."

Actually, I have an app idea that would change my life.

Puerto Rican kids next door bouncing that fuckin' basketball for hours on end? Too much of a pussy to knock on their door and tell them to stop because you don't want to get your computer stolen again? We have an app for that! Introducing the all new app for your iPhone...Trouble Dribble!

Of course I'm not sure how it would work. If I did figure it out I'd make bajillionz off of it. (White people would love me. I think "Loving Marty C." would beat out "clapping along to songs at concerts" as the #1 Stuff White People Like.) Maybe it would just allow you to turn on all of their stereos to that music they listen to. They'd surely stop bouncing the basketballs and start salsa and merengue'ing all over the place. But then you'd need an app to get that god awful music out of your head. And you'd also need an app to take care of all of the kids that would be conceived because we all know what that sort of dancing leads to.

There aren't enough apps in the world to make my life any better. Yet.