High School Sweetheart.

People often ask me what I was like in high school and I try to be as honest as possible. After a healthy (or unhealthy) amount of self-degradation, they almost always say, "Well it doesn't sound like you've changed much." They're probably right.

I'm not one of those people that remembers high school in a completely different way than it actually happened. I don't glamorize it as an awesome experience (I'll leave that to the dudes at the Irving Park YMCA) and I don't pretend that I was the coolest kid in school. (And apparently I didn't learn how to spell "glamorize" Thanks Google!). I was pretty bitter (SURPRISE!) but I probably wasn't even the best at that (C. E. O'Shea? It's debatable...). No, I wasn't all that popular but I wasn't unpopular. I didn't hook up with chicks and I wasn't the smartest kid in class. Actually, I didn't even really talk to girls, I just stared at them. Where in the world are you Chanel? And how the hell are you doing? I was an acquired taste in class. Most times I had to sit by myself (V.I.P.) but I was by no means a badass. I went to Hip-Hop concerts by myself and loved it. A few times I caught a group of teachers huddled together giggling at me but trying to make it seem as if they were laughing at something else. I was an OK lacrosse player but probably not anywhere near as good as I thought I was. I was really good at getting away with doing the bare minimum and getting decent grades. I do believe I was the best at talking shit. If you don't believe that, well then, fuck you. But I understood one thing that was important for my sanity. I understood it was High School and nothing more.

Today I was clicking around the internet, trying to find a good website to watch the Bulls game when I came across a Proactiv commercial that startled me. A hot chick from high school! Now at the time I know a bunch of dudes had to punch down their pubescent bonerz when she walked in the room but to be honest I didn't really care. Let me mention that I have never talked to this girl in my life and I probably never will (unless she wants to come hang out with Uncle Marty in NYC), so to be fair I can't say that she kept me up at night. Wait. No high school girls "kept me up at night" in the sense that I had to lay on a declined wedge (don't ask me how I know that exists) to let the blood flow back to my head. But. Plenty of high school girls "kept me up at night" as I punched my pillow with tear-filled eyes, wondering, "How are you so damn stupid?!"

When I saw the ad I noticed myself laughing. Not at Emily's skin issues (I have eczema on my eyelids) but at the mere fact that anyone ever cared about what the girls looked like in high school. Sure some of them are still WOWing dudes all over Chicago but let's be honest, most of them passed their prime at the respectful age of 17. Everywhere across the world guys are writing poems and songs, and in some serious cases, killing themselves over teenage girls (or getting locked up Roman Polanski style (but then again that might not count since he messes with pre-teens)). And for what? Because they said no to you when you sucked it up and asked them to prom? Or because even though you shared your homework or helped them study, they still took the very good looking quarterback to the dance? Was/is it worth it? Was/is it ever worth it? Later in life you find out they are just as human as Jerry Springer's guests and audience. They flunk out of college (if they ever went), they have unprotected sex, then have uneducated kids, they develop a drug habit and start losing their teeth, etc. So when I saw Emily's Proactive advertisement today I found myself wondering...

"What the fuck? Why is she famous and I'm not? Why do the hot girls from high school always win?"

http://www.proactiv.com/emily/

"It completely changed my outlook on life." What was your outlook on life before you had zits? To all the young women out there who have zits, end it. Apparently life isn't worth it. But anyways, look at her and look at me. She wins. I need a new outlook on life because this shit ain't workin'.

But whatever. Look at this skin!

Silky smooth.

Well at least I don't walk like I have a dick in my ass. It's a start.

Hey Chanel. I'm still single.