In Response to the "Male Gaze" post. By Tess

Marty’s reflection on his own Male Gaze tendencies (“It’s a SCIENTIFIC FACT!” -Marty C.) got me thinking about Female Gaze / what straight females are looking at when they check out male hotties. Living in a city that is swarming with hotties (and notties) has made this research pretty easy to carry out. I sometimes wish the points of interest on male forms were more easily spotted, as they tend to be on ladies. Unfortunately, my wandering eyes (loins) seek attributes that aren’t always visible in my periphery or a distance longer than 20 feet. However, I feel fortunate that my interests allow me to gaze more discreetly than the poor dudes who swerve their heads so hard at the sight of a big round brown, they might as well have flashing neon boners to go with it.

This female’s gaze starts at the face. I know that sounds sort of sweet but don’t worry, this gets shallower as it progresses. Probably stemming from my desire to not have stupid ugly-faced children, the gaze is held on his face to make sure it isn’t obstructed by a lame haircut/hairstyle. The definition of such hairstyles can be found:

Here.

And here.

Hair is a good indicator of intelligence, creativity, and also trying too hard. Facial hair counts. (Beard = sure. Mustache = chill out for a second. Soul patch = not on your life. Patch of any sort = probably not a good sign.)

If all is good up top, ms. gaze skips right down to the shoes. Many men have wasted their futures (their existence) on a poorly selected shoe. If tampered with, a sensible walking shoe has the power to destroy all of his genetic gifts and nurtured talents. George Clooney in a brown hiking/dress shoe is not George Clooney anymore. He’s something else that isn’t interesting to me and the spirit of my future offspring.

Since I’m trying to write this post in the key of Marty, I will move on to a Google image search that will somehow help me elaborate on all of this.

I’m sure you’re a good person who genuinely enjoys the outdoors, but I already know we share very different world-views.

It sucks that you still feel weird about junior high.

It’s gonna be so romantic when we tell people how we met on the train and I sat next to you and whispered to you, “never leave my side”. (just kidding!)

Does the square toe make you feel like you’re more in shape? And that whisker wash on your jeans… are you pretending your giant quadriceps imprinted that? You’re not fat. Shut up with that stuff.

Thinking about the things that you might think about actually gives me night terrors. Also, I’m bleeding.

You’ve got a lot on your mind. Can’t take that on right now.

I’d like to be you and marry you at the same time. Let’s marry ourselves.

Marty's Thoughts:

I really never thought people did the whole double-spacebar-when-beginning-new-sentences-thing anymore. Seriously Tess, did you type this thing up on a typewriter first? I remember my mom telling me to make sure there was two spaces after every period when teaching me how to type a report in grade school and me thinking, "Bitch, you crazy?!" I guess I'm missing out on something. Or maybe women are thinking, "Get as far away from that period as possible! Trust us."

Either way, it's obvious Tess has a foot fetish. I'm not judging, do your thang girl. I'm just more of a fan of Breezies with Double Dime Deezies. (Translation: Girls with big butts.)

My best guess for Tess: "Now I don't even have to untie. Come over here and let Uncle Tess give you a ToeJob."

Thanks for sharing Tess!